Archive for May, 2010

I Understand

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , on May 30, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Ever since I met “babe” (I realised that we need to give him a name or call him something, so that will be his name from now on) I already know that he is a busy person.  That most of the time, he will be busy studying since he is taking up medicine.  Since then, I told myself that I should be more understanding…

However he proved me wrong… One thing that I really liked about him is that whenever if it’s me who is inviting him, he always makes an effort to make time.  There would be times wherein, I would meet him after work (that’s 11pm-12 midnight) and we would just sit in the coffee shop and he would study.  Yes, this is our usual date before.  Even though, some of you might think it’s boring, for me it was really special.  I appreciate the fact that he is trying to multitask, to study and at the same time to spend time with me.  After a month, we decided to become a couple.

April.  I was tested positive for HIV.  It feels like everything changed though he insists that there I am wrong.  He texts not that often anymore, his excuse was he is busy but does it take you a whole day to send 1 text message?  There were instances when we have a date, and I still need to call him to wake him up when I’m already in the meeting place in the agreed meeting time.  He would say  I should understand since I know his busy.  But we planned this not just yesterday but 3 days before to make sure that he is free.  He would say he was post-duty.  But his duty ended 7am and we are meeting for dinner.  He has lots of excuses and I always… understand.

I can tell that after telling him the truth,the way he looked at me changed.  From being clingy and always wanting to be with me…his interest towards me became less.   He doesn’t even want to give me an open mouth kiss.  Our love making session became one way. Even though he tells me he trusts me that I’m not going to do anything to harm him, he wouldn’t want to sleep with me naked.  Even though its hard for me to take… I…. understand.

It’s frustrating me cause even though I want to demand for him to change, that even though I want to be upset whenever he turns his back when I ask, even though whenever I would try to kiss he would seal his lips…. I can’t…I can’t blame him…. I understand.

Pozzie Blogs

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , on May 29, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I woke up early this morning and decided to surf the net and look for other pozzie blogs (now I know that the term “pozzie” is used to someone like me, a person that is HIV+)…  I started with http://www.positibo.wordpress.com since that is the first blog I stumbled on a month ago when I was looking for directions on how to go to SACCL.  From his site, I checked other pozzie blogs from his blogroll.  I was very happy reading other pozzie blogs, it made me more realise that yes, I still have a life to live… and a good and healthy one.

I honestly thought that I can no longer date and that no one would actually accept, but after reading their blogs… I realised I was wrong.  I underestimated other negative people who can actually accept and be broad minded about HIV.

I messaged some of the pozzie’s and invited them to read my blog, I also thank them for giving me strength to face what I have… I haven’t told my friends about my situation cause I am scared of their reactions that’s why I am happy to see that there are a lot of people like me in the net to whom I can actually talk to and seek for an advice… 

love-atory tests

Posted in lovelife, Medical, Personal with tags , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2010 by iamhivpositive

My doctor asked me to undergo several tests to check if I have any other diseases or sickness… I think it’s an SOP that all patients who turned out to be positive to undergo these tests.  I told the doctor that I will be doing them after holy week.

My boyfriend told me that he can accompany me when I do the tests since he is still in Manila and he still has classes…  and I agreed.  I need him to be there, to give me support since he is the only one (besides my friend in Singapore) who knows what I’m positive…  We decided to meet up on a Thursay since that is the only day that he will be free….and as usual I filed a leave from work.

Monday night that week, I decided to log in online and check my mails then a really bad idea came to my mind.  I decided to check mu boyfriend’s account in PlanetRomeo (since we are being cautious for him not to be infected with my HPV, we had an agreement that he can keep his account in that site so that he can download porn for his personal use).  I noticed that that night, he logged in so I was thinking maybe he was horny and needed to release it. haha.   However the next day, it wasn’t so funny anymore.  He was online again and also the night after that…  I started thinking of different possibilities… why is he online every night in that site?  This time, I wasn’t able to control myself and messaged him in facebook since he is online there as well.  I immediately told him what I discovered and told him that I don’t like it.  He just replied to me with a sorry and said that he will try to refrain from using that site already…

The next day, when I opened my eyes my heart was pounding so loud.  I have to talk to him.  I have to be honest that I don’t like what he is doing.  I mean, although I agreed with it yes, but I never expected for him to do it very often… that is still a lair of very evil demons that can ruin our relationship…and I’m not satisfied with his answer last night… his sorry was not enough, I need an explanation…  I don’t know how I was able to get up and prepare but the next thing I know is that my boyfriend and I are having breakfast in a nearby fastfood…

After talking about his friend doctor who I actually think has a hidden desire to him, I once again asked him about the Planet Romeo incident.  He said that he was just downloading porn… I don’t know but I can’t believe that he is telling the truth so I asked further.  “Nagdownload ka ng porn for 3 days straight? like everynight?” He wasn’t able to answer quickly then he slipped and said that he was messaging a friend.  I was shocked, we agreed that he should not message or reply to anyone.  I was hurt.  I felt betrayed.  I asked him what they talked about and he just said “buhay buhay“…”  I was like seriously? You talked about buhay buhay for three nights? but I did not say it since I was deeply hurt.  I just asked him if we could go to the clinic already…

While waiting for the doctor, we waited for almost 2 hours, I asked him again.  I know I’m irritating already but I’m not really happy with his answers.  I asked him again about what they talked about and he just gave the same answer.  He changed the topic by texting the doctor and asking him what time he will arrive.  When the doctor replied that he will arrive after lunch, we decided to have lunch first.  In the cafeteria of the restaurant, I continued probing until I was shocked with the answer he gave… he told me to stop asking already cause I might get hurt if he tells me what they talked about.  I was screaming in my head that time, and what do you think you are doing to me now?  aren’t you hurting me?

Back in the waiting area of the clinic, I asked him the very same question when I asked him when I told him the result of my HIV screening… “Kaya mu pa ba?  baka kasi nagsink in na sayo ngayon ang mga nangyayari at naisip mu na kung anu talaga gusto mu…” he was quiet.  I asked again, “Do you want to explore and look for someone else?” still… no answer.  After a few quiet minutes, he opened his mouth and answered that yes, it is finally sinking in and that it’s just now that he feels that there is something missing with our relationship and that is sex.  He explained that it is only normal for him to look for it because he is young and I understand that.  That’s why I told him that I do understand and that’s why I’m asking him if he wants to look for someone else already.  I told him I can feel that it is also hard for him and that I will understand if he decided to go look for someone else… he was quiet again… and atlast he answered...”I don’t want to risk it babe, I mean sex is important but overall I’m happy with our relationship… if I look for someone else, I’m sure I will not be able to find someone like you… so I will stay….

Lunch Date

Posted in lovelife, Medical, Personal, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I found myself inside one of the karaoke cubicles in timezone.  I was sad and I needed to vent out.  I immediately took the song book look for a high song and entered it in the karaoke machine and sang my heart out.  I picked Michael Bolton’s “I can go the Distance… ”  I just felt the need to sing this song as well to make myself  stronger… for me to believe that I can still go far even though I have “it”… I know, you might be thinking that I’m emotional or a drama queen…but at that moment, I was thinking that I already reached the dead end and I can never make a U turn anymore… that everything I’ve worked for all went to waste just because of a night of being irresponsible… that all my plans are no longer possible….

I calmed myself and decided to distract myself  after realising that I am in a public area… there were already some people who were looking at me and wondering why I was crying… so I left Timezone and I went to an internet shop in the mall and decided to kill time there until my boyfriend arrives.  When I logged in to Facebook, one of my friends, who is now in Singapore was online.  He messaged me through chat and I suddenly blurted out what I just found out.  This friend of mine is a nurse by profession so I also felt safe telling him my new secret.  After a few seconds, my phone started ringing and his concerned voice filled my ears.  I was just quiet and I started sobbing then cried…  He was crying as well… I told him everything that happened and he gave me advices and educated me about the disease…  he also assured me that nothing will change in the way that he sees me… and I was relieved…

My boyfriend arrived after a few minutes…  as we were walking towards the restaurant where we are eating, he asked me about the result.  I took a deep breath.  I already prepared myself, and I want to be honest.  If ever he walks away and decides to leave me, I will accept it wholeheartedly… can I really?  Anyways, I told him the result.  He smiled and he asked me to stop bluffing.  I repeated what I said, this time more seriously… and he said, really?  I guess he was shocked.  No, he was shocked, maybe he didn’t expect it.  He smiled and once again, he told me that he will take care of me.  And this is the only time for this day, that I felt happy.  We became quiet as we continue to walk towards the restaurant…

Whilst waiting for our food to be served, I asked him again if it is really ok with him, and he told me that honestly, he is still in the denial stage and still thinks that I’m bluffing but if ever that it is really true, there’s nothing he can do but to be with me every step of the way.  I felt soo lucky.  That this guy loves me despite all of this that is happening to me.  I don’t know if it is my mood or the food but I really felt soo hungry that I was able to finish my chicken teriyaki so fast.  We then decided to leave as my boyfriend still has a class and I need to rest after a very long day…

Positive!

Posted in Medical, Personal with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2010 by iamhivpositive

The sound of my message alert tone made me nervous… I don’t know whats with that day… I was uneasy…I picked my phone and it was the nurse from the clinic who messaged me.  I took a deep breath before I actually opened the message.  Somehow I already know what the message is… she is inviting me to go to the clinic for the result and I was right.

Like my previous visit, I filed a leave to make sure that I have the whole day for myself  whatever the result maybe.  I woke up early and prepared myself, my boyfriend and I will meet at 8am that day since he decided that he wants to go with me.  I arrived early in our meeting place, while waiting it gave me the chance to think.  I thought of the possibilities… what could happen if ever that it turns out positive.  After a few more minutes, my boyfriend arrive with his usual comforting smile.  He was carrying his laptop as he was from a conference in the hospital as well.  We wasted no time as we immediately head to the clinic.

When we arrived, the nurse was still talking to someone and she instructed me to wait outside the clinic first.  After almost an hour, my boyfriend told me that he needs to go back to the conference already and that he has to leave me.  I smiled at him and he smiled back, as if giving me an assurance that it is going to be alright.  After he left, the nurse then called my name.

I was instructed by the nurse to wait again in the 2nd cubicle.  The doctor came in after a few minutes and asked me how I was.  I said I was ok.  He then asked me if the nurse counseled me during my first visit.  I answered yes.  My heart was beating sooo loud I can be deaf.  He then slowly opened an envelope and read it to me… he started reading the result and slowly explained everything to me.  I was positive.

I was speechless, I didn’t know what to say that I just kept on nodding to everything he asked.  He explained to me what the next step was and that is to undergo the CD4 count test.  He was trying to comfort me by telling me that it is not over… that I can still live my life normally as long as stay healthy.  He even kid that I can still have sex as long as it is protected.  I was just quiet.  He then asked me if I was ok, I just smiled.

After asking me a few more questions that is related on how I got the virus, he told me that he will queue me in line to get a schedule for the CD4 count.  He said that it usually takes more that a month before I can actually have my CD4 count test so I need to take Vitamin C and Vitamin A for awhile since we don’t know what my CD4 count is.  The nurse got my number and I saw her write my name in their log book.  She as well smiled at me and told me to just wait for her text as she will be texting me once she got an available slot.

I was still not myself when I left the clinic, I immediately texted my boyfriend telling him that I’m about to go home already… He immediately replied and told me to just wait for him so we can have lunch together since it was almost lunch already…  I said yes and I am planning to tell him the truth… and I still have almost an hour to prepare myself on whatever his reaction will be…

Prolonging the Agony

Posted in Medical with tags , , , , , , on May 23, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I sat nervously in the chair that was offered to me by the nurse in the clinic… she smiled at me.  She asked me to wait since my doctor is still eating.  My eyes wandered… the clinic was of rectangular shape, it was kind of narrow with 3 cubicles.  There were 2 more guys in the 2nd cubicle… they were very thin and they look really sick.  I got scared.

After a few minutes, the nurse came back and asked me questions… if I have any history of any disease.  I told her I had hepa once, but was cured immediately.  She then asked me, “What if it’s positive? What will you do?”… I answered bravely, that it’s ok… be healthy I guess… but deep inside, I was really really clueless since I was really hoping that it’s going to be negative.  I never really entertained the possibility of the result being positive…

The doctor came in… the nurse immediately asked the 2 guys to move to the 3rd cubicle and the doctor ushered me to proceed to the second cubicle.  He asked me the usual questions and got my vital signs…  once he was done, he sat down opposite of me and told me that the result is not yet in and that they need to take more blood because the blood that they got from me when I was still admitted was not enough… of course, I let them take the necessary amount of blood.  Then he just said that they are going to text me once they have the result and that I could go home already…

I went home that day frustrated…I didn’t know what to feel… I was left hanging…  after waiting for so long… I have to wait again…

Waiting

Posted in Medical with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2010 by iamhivpositive

It has been a week since I was hospitalised and still I haven’t heard anything from my doctor regarding the HIV screening that I had… I’m already worried, could this mean I’m positive that’s why it’s taking them so long to inform me or give me my result?

Luckily, that weekend our department in the office has a scheduled team building somewhere in the south.  I felt that this is a good timing after all of the things that I’ve been through this week, it will also keep my mind off thinking about the result.  I had fun.  I really enjoyed our team building but there are minutes wherein I ask myself, what if it’s positive?  What will I do?

After 3 days of happiness, we went back to reality.  Even though I’m busy in the office, I can’t help myself from thinking about what the result will be.  Yes, I admit that there are risks that can make me assume that I am positive but the nurse also told me in the hospital that all of the other STD screenings that they did to me turn out all to be negative so there’s a big chance of me being non-reactive.

After a few more days, my boyfriend texted me informing me that the nurse in the IDS (Infectious Disease Section) clinic is asking me to drop by their clinic the next day for the result.  This is the moment I’ve been waiting for…  I prepared myself, mentally and emotionally whatever the result may be.  I filed a leave from work so that I can have the whole day for myself when I receive the result.

I went to the clinic early the next day.  I was very eager to know the result.  My boyfriend picked me up in a nearby fast food and accompanied me to the clinic… we waited for almost an hour before the nurse called my name… then my heart started to pound so loud….