Archive for June, 2010

Camera Show

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 30, 2010 by iamhivpositive

 

We have different venues on how to release “it”.  My way might be different from yours but in one point, we have to let it out.  I agreed.

A new friend and I were talking over the phone when I suddenly heard the new message alert from Planet Romeo in his background.  I thought, wtf?!?  Yes, we are JUST friends but he has been very vocal about seeing me as a potential partner and after 2 weeks of our almost daily conversation, I’m starting to like him.  That’s why I am not surprised on my reaction when I heard that he has a new message and he just casually continued our conversation as if nothing happened.  But my mood is already ruined, I told him I was really tired and I put down the phone.

We have a lot in common though sometimes, we have little discussion about our beliefs.  Most of the time, we talk about our life as pozzies, our families, our problems, our lovelife, our sex life and what help the government should provide the vampire community.  We would talk for more than 2 hours and would just say goodbye if we are already really sleepy.  And slowly, I look forward to each phone call and conversation we have.  As you can see, I easily get attach to people who showers me with their attention…. to people who make me feel I am important to them.

He messaged me in YM asking me to call back again.  He still wants us to talk some more.  But I’m no longer in the mood to talk that’s why I refused his offer.  Plus the fact that I just arrived from the gym and I was really tired.  He started teasing me that I immediately made “tampo” just because someone messaged him in Planet Romeo.  Yes, I was that obvious that even without me telling, he was able to immediately figure it out.  I honestly replied that yes, I was surprised but I also told him that he is free to do anything he wants since he is single.  I also told him that I realised how childish I was by the way I reacted and that I shouldn’t have done that.  He continued to explain anyway, he said that he doesn’t meet up with anyone that he meet in that site.  He just have cam2cam sessions with them.  He already told me this before during our usual phone conversations… but after telling me that he considers me to be a partner, I somewhat assumed that he will stop these kind of activities.  I told him what I think about it and he answered me that I should understand why he is doing this since we are both poz.  Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with it, it’s just that I thought it’s going to be different… since he said that he likes me.  

He then started asking me about my ways on how I release it.  I told him it’s with my ever loyal left hand, lol.  And he told me that it is no different from what he is doing since I imagine having sex with someone or I watch porn and imagine that as if the porn star was making out with me.  And I battled it out with him by explaining why I think watching porn is different with having cam to cam with someone.  It doesn’t involve a human being who can respond… I don’t know if your getting what I’m trying to say…  and so we discussed about it until I asked him that If ever that we are going to be in a relationship, if he can manage to stop it.  He said he can’t tell because he was never in that situation. 

I surrendered, I told him that honestly, I would like to know him more but I don’t think I can accept it if ever that we are together and he would keep doing the same thing.  He said that love can never be developed over the phone and I agreed.  I told him that I’m not saying that i love him, I made it clear that I am starting to like him.  

Honestly, I don’t know why I am posting this entry… maybe because I’m sad that the romance already ended… or maybe not… I don’t know…

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Breathing…

Posted in etc, Medical, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , on June 27, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Inhale…
Exhale…

My body is starting to become unstable, I’m starting to shake. Slowly, I can feel myself perspiring. It was hot. For my fragile built, this position is very very hard. I feel like my whole body is already wet because of my non stop sweating.

Inhale, exhale… deep inhale… long exhale…

Yoga…

I checked google maps for the venue… Century Plaza Makati… there it is! Just 2 blocks away from Greenbelt 1 and 5. I smiled, I know the place. I will not have a hard time looking for the venue. But I’m still not sure whether if I really want to attend the yoga class. I’m still thinking about the advice of my gym instructor which is to just spend my time in the gym instead of attending a yoga session which will actually bring me a step closer to my real goal… gain weight.

After an hour of thinking, I am convinced. I’ll stick to working out, my gym instructor is right… I need to gain weight! So I grabbed my phone and asked him what time will he be available to train me since I messaged him last night canceling our 6pm appointment. To my dismay, he didn’t reply. Maybe he is was still sleeping so I waited.

It was almost lunch when I finally got a reply from him. But to my dismay, he told me that he is already fully booked for the day and he’ll just train me the next day. Hmmmm… maybe this means that I really need to attend the yoga class. And so I message the yoga instructor and confirmed the time and venue of the class after which I geared up.

I arrived early so I decided to stay in the nearby ministop. I was nervous. I feel like my heart wants to escape from my chest and go home. I’m a yoga-virgin and I don’t know what to expect. My phone vibrated and it was the instructor telling me that he is in Greenbelt and is just waiting for another participant before they go to the venue. I replied back saying I’m just nearby. After a few more minutes, he messaged me again saying they are on their way to Century Plaza. I took a deep breath and told myself… “nandito ka na, wala nang back-outan to…” , I grabbed my bag and left the store…

The elevator opened. This is it, I told myself. I stepped out of the lift and screened the area. Well ventilated. The air comes in and out freely of the area, of course, its the penthouse! The instructor introduced himself and vise versa, he also introduced me to the other participant who is sitting on a sofa. As the participants arrive one by one, the instructor introduced me to them. I felt….awkward? Or I guess I was shy… They already know each other and I think I’m the only one who is going to do it first time. OMG!!! I started to panic. What if I mess up? What if the session will be delayed because of me? So many things ran in my mind. I was asked to answer a questionnaire which is about my health for the past 4 weeks. I took my time in answering so that I will be busy while waiting for us to start. We started around 230pm and all in all, there were 6 participants. I was somehow relieved because a few more addition will really make me more nervous. Then there we are, sitting in our mats… ready to begin…

Inhale…
exhale…
stretch….

Breath in, breath out… concentrate on your breathing… I felt… quiet… relaxed… peaceful. It has been a long time since the last time I listened to myself breathing… actually this is the first time. I never listened to my breathing, I took it for granted. As I was stretching my legs, arms, body…. and as I was concentrating on my breathing… It made me more realise that I’m still alive…. I have a life to live…… I’m still…. breathing… and I can hear it…

Inhale…
Exhale…

My body is starting to become unstable, I’m starting to shake. Slowly, I can feel myself perspiring. It was hot. For my fragile built, this position is very very hard. I feel like my whole body is already wet because of my non stop sweating.

Inhale, exhale… deep inhale… long exhale…

I went home physically tired… but empowered. Most of the time, we take our lives for granted and do the things that we want without really thinking of its effect to our body… to our life. This is the lesson I learned from today’s session though it’s not really part of the agenda. I’m already looking forward to the next session…

Why?

Posted in etc, lovelife, pozzie life with tags , , , , , on June 26, 2010 by iamhivpositive

It was an ordinary day. I woke up the usual time that I’m supposed to be up. My mother is in the kitchen and I can hear her washing the dishes while my other brother is still sleeping. I washed my face and brushed my teeth then I faced the computer. It has been a habit already for me to go online every morning.

While surfing the net and blog hopping, my phone vibrated and I was surprised to see who’s responsible for it. It was babe. Odd. After the last incident that happened, I thought that he will not contact me for a long time since I made it clear that I need space. I assumed that maybe he mis-sent a message again to my number… or maybe my doctor told him something about my condition and he is just relaying it to me. It took me a while before I actually grabbed my phone and check what the message was.

He wants to see me. He wants to have a late dinner with me. He is also asking what my shift for the next two weeks will be. One of my eyebrows raised.

Why? I asked myself. And so I sent him a message asking him why he would want to meet up. But I got no reply. Maybe he is just busy…I told myself. And so I continued with my day… and I realised one thing… I still hasn’t move on. I’m stuck. And with just a text message, I’m already rattled. As if my ass is on fire.

On my way to work, I texted him again… saying yes, I think I can meet up with him. I am really curious already with his reason in wanting to meet up with me. What’s this? I am hoping? Hoping that maybe the reason why is because he wanted to reunite with me. That he already realised that he really loves me. I shook my head. What am I thinking? It’s impossible, he already has a new lover. Again, I was troubled. Lost.

It was already past lunch time when answered my message and just said, “good!”. He never answered my question about why he wanted to meet up…

Until now, I’m still thinking… and again… I’m broken…

Torn

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life with tags , , , , on June 25, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Since I accepted myself as a pozzie, I always try to make myself busy to avoid me from thinking of negative things happening in my life. That is also one reason why I enrolled in the gym and not just because I want to gain muscles. More activities, more fun, less time to think.

And so I was still looking for more activities to eat up my weekends without spending to much, I stumbled upon the Yoga for Life ad in http://www.positivism.ph. I thought… intersting… then I imagined myself… sitting in a mat, or maybe doing some stretching…. sweating, properly breathing… relaxing. The idea appealed to me so much and I have to try it. Not only will I be able to try yoga for the first time but also I will be meeting new friends for sure. So I looked for the contact details and sent them a message about my inquiry.

They held Yoga for Life in two locations, in Ortigas every Wednesday night and Saturday noon in Makati. Ortigas is far from me and I’m still in the office while they are sweating so I decided that I will go in Makati. Everything is there already according to the person who I contacted so I only have to bring an extra shirt, towel and a bottle of water.

I am very excited and busy preparing myself, I even invited some of my friends to joing, when my gym trainer texted me. He is scheduling me for a work out the same day that I am going to attend the yoga class. I was honest so I told him that I might skip training because I am attending a yoga class. He replied back with, what for? He reminded me that I am enrolled in a gain weight training program and yoga will only make me lose weight which is opposite of my goal. He said that yoga is really good and relaxing but it is not going to help me reach my goal since I want a different result. I felt sad. After all the excitement and preparations I made, I come into realisation that yeah, my trainer is right. To confirm, I sent a message to the yoga instructor and asked him if yoga can make a person lose weight, and he fastly replied with a YES! And so all my excitement went into drainage.

How stupid can I be? Committing into something that I haven’t even thought of other things that are important, like my goal, though honestly I’m already lazy in going to the gym. Now, I don’t know what to do… should I go to the yoga class or attend my gain weight training? Do both? In one day? that’s insane…. reschedule the gym training? can be…

I asked around and Papi’s answer made me firm about my decision. Papi advised me to at least try one session and then that’s it. Just to satisfy my curiosity since one session will not really make lose a lot of weight already, which I think is also right.

Haaay… what do you think? Should I go stretching? or lifting weights?

For those who are interested in Yoga for Life, you may contact:
For inquiries, you may contact:
Charmaine: 0917 540-4247 | charmaine.cuunjieng@gmail.com
Paulo: 0917 388-9658 | comradepaw@gmail.com

Rubi II – My Answer

Posted in etc, Music, Personal, pozzie life with tags , , on June 24, 2010 by iamhivpositive

It has been 3 days since I heard “Di Lang Ikaw” by Juris of MYMP from the soap opera, Rubi and up to now it still playing in my head. Yes, it’s my LSS for 3 days now and I have this urge of really responding to the song. I don’t know but when it’s playing in my head, I would change the lyrics and make it my version of the story. So yesterday, I grabbed a scratch paper and let my heart lead my hand in writing letters… and here is what I came up with. it is still with the same tune, I just changed the lyrics….

Di Lang Ikaw

I.
Alam kong ika’y biglang nagbago
Di makatitig sa aking mga mata
Tila di na nananabik
saking yakap at halik

II.
Nararamdaman ko,
Di ka na masaya
At nais mo ng maging malaya

Chorus:
At alam ko,
Di lang ako ang nahihirapan
Damdamin mo rin ay naguguluhan,
At alam ko,
Di lang ako ang nababahala
bulong ng puso, wag kang pakawalan
ngunit puso mo’y, gusto na akong iwan…

III.
Sabi mu sakin ay kaya mo,
Di ako iiwan
Bat biglang nagkaganito?
Nagbago na bigla ang isip mo
At ako’y iniwan mo…

IV.
Sana’y isipin mo, na mahal kita
kaya’t akoy handang magparaya…

repeat chorus

bridge:
Di hahayaang ikaw ay malungkot
di ko pipigilan kung itoy iyong gusto
kung ikay magiging masaya
sa yakap at sa piling na ng iba…

repeat chorus

**end**

Now, that I made this song… I mean, change the lyrics of it, I am more relieved. I felt that finally, I said my last piece. I’m also thinking of making a video with lyrics of it and I’ll post it here once I’m done.

Revenge

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Whenever I check mails online, I just let my YM open/available so that if there is anyone who would like to chat and ask a question I’m ready to answer. So while surfing the net, an IM was sent to me. It was from someone who is not on my contact list and the message was the usual, Hi! Hello!. Like other people who messages me, he was curious about how I got it, from whom, what I felt and so on and so forth. I was already about to instruct him to read my blog, for him to know everything I am feeling when he asked me something…

Di mu ba naiisip gumanti?”

It took me awhile to reply… I never thought of having a revenge to anyone… I searched my heart if there is any space for such feeling but there is none. I just don’t think that I have to. It’s all my fault anyways. If I could have been smarter and more careful before that I don’t have HIV now. So I replied back with a simple “no”.

Sa totoo lang tayo pare, alam naman nating gusto mung gumanti?

I was a bit surprised with his reply. He didn’t believe me though I honestly answered his question. Like I always do, there’s no point in lying anymore. I replied back with a smiley… then I told him that honestly, I don’t really feel that I need to and I am too busy keeping myself healthy to think about that stuff. I also told him that there is no point in having a revenge since I don’t blame anyone for what happened to me but myself. Second, who will the target of my revenge? the one who gave me this? Common sense, he already has it too so it is going to be useless… Third, why would I want to spread the virus to other people? They didn’t do anything.

He sent a sharp reply… “Kung ako kasi yan, patay lahat sakin sa Romeo, hahawahan ko sila… damay damay na to… buti na lang non-reactive ako

“Buti na nga lang”, I told myself. I was very sad with his reply. I can’t believe that this person is actually thinking of spreading the virus if ever he turned out positive. I told him that it will be reckless to do that. That only people who doesn’t use their brains would do such a thing. I explained to him that no one dies of HIV. That HIV’s target is the immune system thus it makes you vulnerable to other opportunistic diseases which he can also get if he is going to have his revenge if ever. I told him that doing that might even make his life shorter.

“Di ako makapaniwala na may tao pang gaya mo… sa panahon ngayon, mga santo at santa na lang ang mababait at mga bayani na lang ang pinapatayuan ng monumento….” he replied then logged off.

I was left in front of the PC hanging. I still want to convince him not to do it if ever, but I guess there are people like him, who will not be able to accept the truth of being positive if ever. I just wish he never turns out positive, that he starts using protection. And I really pray that people who goes for casual sex will come into their senses and use condoms. A friend always tell me… People know what condoms are for, they just don’t want to use it and blames other people saying that they are not aware of HIV…

Rubi

Posted in lovelife, Music, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , on June 21, 2010 by iamhivpositive

It has been a very tiring day and I was really exhausted from work. As usual, when I got home, I logged in first to check if there are any comments in any of my posts or any emails from anyone who happened to read my blog while my mum is watching the series of soap opera in the tele. I was lucky enough to have a few comments and so I decided to reply. Honestly, replies and comments in this page really makes me feel that someone is listening… and it is really important for me since I can’t openly talk about my feelings about my condition to anyone.

As I was typing my reply, I noticed that some of the letters in the keyboard were wet. Unknowingly, I was crying. Not again?!? I don’t know but I’m really too emotional this past few days, maybe this is one of the symptoms. =( What triggered my tears to start falling? It was a song from the soap opera, Rubi.

Pansin mo ba ang pagbabago
Di matitigan ang iyong mga mata
Tila di na nananabik
sayong yakap at halik

These lines really struck me. I felt like he was talking to me, explaining, trying to make it easy. Yes, he… babe.

Sana’y malaman mo
Hindi sinsadya
kung ang nais ko ay
maging malaya

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan
Damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nababahala
Bulong ng isip, wag kang pakawalan
Ngunit Puso ko, ay kailangan kang iwan

The song continued and as the song reach it’s climax, same goes for my tears. I was so affected. I just want to turn the tv off but doesn’t have to strength to do so. I feel like he was just at my back, whispering every line of the song. Actually I really think he is behind me… am I…hallucinating?

The scene from the soap opera stopped and so the song did. I’m happy that it did, at least I could already stop crying… but also a part of me wishes for it to still continue… I still want to hear him whisper… even though it really hurts… what he is trying to say…I think I’m starting to go insane… hopefully not.