Like A Virgin

I don’t know how to start this post but all I want to say is that I’m scared of getting laid again.  Whew! There.  I said it already.

This morning, I was blog hopping (pozzie blogs) when I noticed that there were a few post about their sexcapades, of course it was not written in full details.  I smiled.  I always feel happy whenever I read these posts of them as it makes me “re-believe” that I am normal and that I can still pretty much do what others can do.  But it’s different today… I was more of feeling… envious?

Yes, I think I envy them…. nah, I do envy them…for having sex… of course safe sex….  I don’t know why I’m feeling this when I know that I can do it too… it’s just that I won’t.  I’m scared.  Scared that I might infect other people with what I have even though it’s safe.  I wish I’m like them.  Not that no one asks me to do it but whenever I say yes, it would come to a point where I would get flash backs about my surgery, me finding out I was poz and I would suddenly get scared and back out in the last minute.  Sad thing is, I can’t even explain why I backed out… rude, eh?   I also don’t know if I have to tell my partner (sex partner for that matter) or should I just keep it to myself but would insist in using condoms.    I don’t know, I’m scared…  Actually just writing this post makes me a bit shaky, good thing I don’t have to use a pen or you will not be able to read this.

It has been more or less 6-7 months since the last time I had sex.  Yes, even when babe and I were still together, we didn’t have sex.  We were contented with just cuddling and playing, touching one another but that’s just about it.  Bed time na!  We were both scared that he might get my little friends and during the latter part, HIV… He was even scared of kissing me… I think.

Oh well, that’s why I think it’s becoming an issue to me now.  It has been half a year since the last time.  Me, having no sex life… because I’m a coward.  I know that my helping hand is always ready but I know you know how different it is when you can feel someone else’s body heat.  Haaay….

I envy them.  I really envy them.  I know that I am the only one who can also save my problem since I am the problem.  Me, being scared.  I don’t know until when I will be haunted by these thoughts but until then, I will always feel like a virgin…

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2 Responses to “Like A Virgin”

  1. Hi,

    I so totally can relate to what you are feeling. I have been diagnosed with HIV for more than two years now. During this period, I have not dated because I felt I was not being fair to the other person if I do not disclose my status.

    Ewan ko pero, I think it’s time I let go of whatever is holding me back and just take the first step towards wherever it is I am bound to go.

  2. livingwithhiv Says:

    hi there. Me too, I also have the same dilemma. although i admit having a couple of sexcapades which were really really safe compared to what i was doing before when i wasn’t diagnosed yet. but afterwards, i would still feel guilty, and bothered. although i know it’s safe, something still feels wrong. oh well. hope we can talk and be friends. i added you up already in your YM. maybe we can share our experiences. 🙂 ingat!

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