Archive for boyfriend

Sparks Missing…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I am worried. Yes, I can also say that I was a little bit scared that time. He was driving continuously and just ignores me whenever I ask him about our destination. Until finally, when we stopped because of the stoplight, he looked at me and told me to just trust him…

Honestly, now that it has been days since this incident happened, I don’t really think that he was going to do something bad towards me that night… let’s just say that I was thinking too much that time… I was paranoid…

The road that we are taking started to get steeper and steeper… I felt that we are climbing a mountain… I looked outside of the window and finally, I was able to see some signs from the stores that we are passing by… we are actually heading to Antipolo. Gosh! I never imagined that night that I am going to Antipolo… I just shut my mouth and just continued to wait until we finally reached our destination.

“Dito na tayo…” he said. As he pulled over to an empty space in a car park near the edge of I think is a cliff.

My jaw dropped when I saw the view. I can see the whole city from where I am seating. It was amazing! (Yes, it was my first time to see that kind of sight from Antipolo… I guess you can call me, ignorant…lol).

He started searching something from his pocket and asked me if I have the lighter that we bought from the convenience store. I searched my pockets as well but I wasn’t able to find any. His expression changed and I can see that he was disappointed. He reached for something at the back of his car. It was a cake! I was surprised… I was overwhelmed with all that he prepared for this day. He apologized for missing the lighter, he was supposed to light a candle and will ask me to make a wish. I said it’s all good. It was more than enough. He made this day, special enough… worth remembering.

We stepped out of his car and decided to go to an empty space where we can see the view clearly. It was dark and cold… the cool air from the mountains makes me chill… as I look into the other side, I saw tiny lights from the city… they are so small that they can pass as stars from where I am standing… I took a deep breathe as I am overwhelmed with the view, it was just so… romantic? perfect? … or it was a moment of appreciation… appreciate that I am still alive and was given a chance to see this view… call me drama queen and all… but that’s what I really feel…

He held my hand… and I let him. We appreciated the view together until we decided to head back to the car. Once we were able to sit comfortably again, he started telling me sweet nothings and he’s hoping that we will still be together to celebrate my birthday next year.

Then it struck me. The word – “together”. Yes, that moment, I searched my heart for what I am feeling towards him. I like him alright, he’s nice and very much a boyfriend material… but I didn’t feel any spark. Yes, that elusive spark!

He came closer and with his movement, he was implying that he wanted to kiss me. Right! A kiss! A kiss might bring the spark so I allowed him. As his face comes closer to mine, I closed my eyes and opened my heart… hoping that this will ignite the spark that I need.

His lips were soft and he kissed very sweet. After that, I tried to search my feelings once again… and still there’s nothing… And with that said… I had a dilemma… This is our 2nd date and the 1st date is no different with the 2nd. I didn’t feel any romantic connection…

I looked at him after we kissed and he smiled… a hopeful smile… a smile that I know, will soon be erased once I tell him what I actually feel…

Posted in etc, Personal, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Dear September,

I don’t know what’s with you this year that almost every night I feel alone and empty… Since you came, I started looking for a hug when I get home from someone I love….an arms to embrace me every night while I’m sleeping… and a face that I will see dreaming whenever I open my eyes in the morning… you make me feel sooo single… and in a sad way…

I’m not in a rush to look for someone new… It’s not very long ago when someone did this with me… to me… and although it would be nice to feel that same wonderful feeling, this time I’m taking it real slow… not just because I’m being careful not to get hurt but also because I’m in a different situation now… yes, I have an extra baggage that I don’t know if anyone will be able to accept it… accept me wholeheartedly…

The rain adds to my loneliness… it makes the mood more blue… makes me wish that someone is with me under the blankets cuddling whilst sipping coffee or watching tv… why do you make feel this way September?

Every night as I close my eyes in the middle of emptiness… I’m hoping that someone would wake me up… Can you just wake me up when September ends?

I realized…

Posted in etc, lovelife, Music, Personal, pozzie life with tags , , , , , , , on August 16, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Met up with babe awhile ago for lunch before I head to SAGIP for my check up… I told him a lot of happy stories that is happening to me… to let him know there’s no need to worry and that I am fine… I asked him how he was… he told me he is now seeing someone new… I smiled… at first, it didn’t hurt… but as we go our separate ways… the pain started eating my heart…

(For some reason, the video is not loading so I’ll just post the lyrics of the song…)

It never crossed my mind at all
That’s what I tell myself
What we had has come and gone
You’re better off with someone else
It’s for the best, I know it is
But I see you
Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside

And I turn around
You’re with him now
I just can’t figure it out

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
I’m just a little too not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)
Not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)

Memories
Supposed to fade
What’s wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go
Didn’t think it be this hard
Should be strong
Moving on
But I see you
Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside

And I turn around
You’re with him now
I just can’t figure it out

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
I’m just a little too not over you

Maybe I regret
Everything I said
No way to take it all back, yeah
Now I’m on my own
How I let you go
I’ll never understand
I’ll never understand
Yeah, oooh, oooh, oooh
Oooooooh
Oh
Ooooh, oh

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
I’m just a little too not over you

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
And I really don’t know what to do

I’m just a little too not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)
Not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)

Catch Up!

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , on August 5, 2010 by iamhivpositive

You must be wondering how I was this past few days as I have not been updating any entries lately… Well, let me update you…

First, I’m in heat.  Yes, I’m horny.  It’s just 2 weeks ago when I started feeling it again.  I don’t feel satisfied with my hand anymore. lol.

I remember a conversation that I had with GM.  I told him that I am confident that I can just be satisfied with my hand.  I was planning to DIY it for a very long time as I am scared to have a physical contact with someone.  But I think I’m going to eat my words… I don’t think I can still hold it for any longer. 

I am nervous. 

2 of my officemates resigned from our office and so their positions are being opened to us, their juniors.  I am the most tenured in our group so I think I am expected to apply, actually, I want to apply.  However, as the interview and the presentation comes closer, I feel more nervous.  What if I don’t get the post?  Oh my, I think I will cry for 3 days and go to work with a cover in my face.  I think that will be quite shameful since I am considered to be the most experienced one… I think. lol.

I moved on.

It has been 3 months already, since babe and I broke up.  Meaning, we are free to date again since we already gotten through the “3 month break up rule”.  Well, I haven’t heard anything from him lately and vice versa.  I think we both know that we both need space from each other.  I just really hope that he is happy.

I am… inspired?

Someone is making me smile this past few days.  Not because he is telling me jokes but because he makes my heart wiggle. lol.  I don’t want to assume anything and I don’t want to rush things so I am enjoying everything.  Besides, it will still be 2 years from now before we see each other.  Yes, you read it right, I only know/seen him through pictures.  But it’s not a big deal, I think I can wait. So, if you read this, let wait ah? hehehe. 

That’s it for now… I’ll be updating you again soon…

xoxo,

JunJun

Brief Meeting

Posted in lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , on July 6, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I handed him the menu.  He looked at it while I called the attention of the waiter to take order.  I said mine and he ordered the same.  He then looked at me and smiled.

He started to look for something in his bag, I assumed he was looking for the vitamins that he said that he was going to give me a few days back.  Yep, I asked him a few days ago about why he suddenly wanted to meet up and he told me that he just want to know how I was and he wants to give me some vitamins.  He asked me if I still want to take the vitamins and I politely refused, I told him that I still have some and that Little J just gave me another bottle of multivitamins.  He smiled and returned the vitamins back to his bag.

I would say that he looked different… he lost weight, his hair is starting to grow and in my idea, it doesn’t look good on him… he looks a bit… rugged?  He was wearing his casual uniform which is a polo shirt, tucked in denim pants and brown shoes.  He smiled again when I think he noticed that I was scanning him.  I smiled back and asked him how he has been.

Our conversation was very light, it’s full of how are you’s and what have you been up to this last 2 months.  During the course of our chat, I was trying to assess what I am feeling… and to my surprise, I can’t feel anything… it just like me meeting a normal friend… When he texted me a few days back, I admit that I rattled and I started concluding things in my mind.  I was excited.  But now, as I think about it… as the day goes by until today, I was not excited… like I wouldn’t be upset if in case he cancels it…

Does this mean I already moved on?

Oy!

Posted in Medical, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , on July 5, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I was already looking at the menu when I glanced back at the door of the restaurant. A person came in carrying two big bags, the person smiled. I didn’t recognized this person. When he sat opposite of me, that’s when I realised that he was the person I am waiting for…. And all I managed to say was “oy!”.

430pm.
I decided to go to the gym since I am really bored at home, I don’t have anything to do but to watch tv. I took a quick shower and I was on my way to the gym. My plan was just to stay in the gym, maybe use the jacuzzi or just hang out in the members lounge since most of the time there is no on there on a Sunday. When I arrived in the gym, I immediately head to the members lounge and as expected I have the whole area for myself. I did as I plan and stayed there until 630pm.

I was already hungry when I got to the mall when we are supposed to meet. Yep, this is the day where babe and I is going to meet after 2 months. I looked at the time, I was VERY early and so I decided to go to the internet shop inside the mall and check mails. After an hour, I texted him saying that I am already in the mall and just text me once he arrive. I got no reply. I roamed around the mall.

While walking, I received a wink from a guy. I was…. surprised, so I looked back thinking if I know him. The guy was also looking at me when I looked so I immediately focused my sight into something else. I don’t know him so I didn’t look back anymore. I was standing in the spot where we usually meet before when I got a message from him. He told me his gonna be late and will arrive at 830pm. Well, I am already expecting this… so I just replied with a very cold, k. And so I decided to walk again around the mall, and after 30 minutes I was back in the spot.

I saw a…hmmm… kid? Well, he looks really young, approaching and he is looking cute. I wasn’t able to take my eyes off him when he suddenly looked at me. I was caught, so I ended up smiling to myself when he smiled back. hmmm…. interesting… hahaha. My phone vibrated. It was him again, I was thinking, what could it be this time… and he told me again the he will not be arriving till 9pm since he was stuck in heavy traffic. It was raining hard outside so I figured that he was telling the truth so I said I’ll just go ahead and eat dinner already. He replied back that he will just follow in the restaurant…

I sat near the door so that he can easily find me once he arrived. was already looking at the menu when I glanced back at the door of the restaurant. A person came in carrying two big bags, the person smiled. I didn’t recognized this person. When he sat opposite of me, that’s when I realised that it was him, the guy I was waiting for… And all I managed to say was “oy!”.

He smiled back.

Camera Show

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 30, 2010 by iamhivpositive

 

We have different venues on how to release “it”.  My way might be different from yours but in one point, we have to let it out.  I agreed.

A new friend and I were talking over the phone when I suddenly heard the new message alert from Planet Romeo in his background.  I thought, wtf?!?  Yes, we are JUST friends but he has been very vocal about seeing me as a potential partner and after 2 weeks of our almost daily conversation, I’m starting to like him.  That’s why I am not surprised on my reaction when I heard that he has a new message and he just casually continued our conversation as if nothing happened.  But my mood is already ruined, I told him I was really tired and I put down the phone.

We have a lot in common though sometimes, we have little discussion about our beliefs.  Most of the time, we talk about our life as pozzies, our families, our problems, our lovelife, our sex life and what help the government should provide the vampire community.  We would talk for more than 2 hours and would just say goodbye if we are already really sleepy.  And slowly, I look forward to each phone call and conversation we have.  As you can see, I easily get attach to people who showers me with their attention…. to people who make me feel I am important to them.

He messaged me in YM asking me to call back again.  He still wants us to talk some more.  But I’m no longer in the mood to talk that’s why I refused his offer.  Plus the fact that I just arrived from the gym and I was really tired.  He started teasing me that I immediately made “tampo” just because someone messaged him in Planet Romeo.  Yes, I was that obvious that even without me telling, he was able to immediately figure it out.  I honestly replied that yes, I was surprised but I also told him that he is free to do anything he wants since he is single.  I also told him that I realised how childish I was by the way I reacted and that I shouldn’t have done that.  He continued to explain anyway, he said that he doesn’t meet up with anyone that he meet in that site.  He just have cam2cam sessions with them.  He already told me this before during our usual phone conversations… but after telling me that he considers me to be a partner, I somewhat assumed that he will stop these kind of activities.  I told him what I think about it and he answered me that I should understand why he is doing this since we are both poz.  Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with it, it’s just that I thought it’s going to be different… since he said that he likes me.  

He then started asking me about my ways on how I release it.  I told him it’s with my ever loyal left hand, lol.  And he told me that it is no different from what he is doing since I imagine having sex with someone or I watch porn and imagine that as if the porn star was making out with me.  And I battled it out with him by explaining why I think watching porn is different with having cam to cam with someone.  It doesn’t involve a human being who can respond… I don’t know if your getting what I’m trying to say…  and so we discussed about it until I asked him that If ever that we are going to be in a relationship, if he can manage to stop it.  He said he can’t tell because he was never in that situation. 

I surrendered, I told him that honestly, I would like to know him more but I don’t think I can accept it if ever that we are together and he would keep doing the same thing.  He said that love can never be developed over the phone and I agreed.  I told him that I’m not saying that i love him, I made it clear that I am starting to like him.  

Honestly, I don’t know why I am posting this entry… maybe because I’m sad that the romance already ended… or maybe not… I don’t know…