Butterfly

“I can’t pretend these tears
Aren’t overflowing steadily
I can’t prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye (stand and say goodbye)
For you’ll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly”

As I hail the cab, this song was on my head.  It already happened. We already broke up.  5 months that felt like 5 years of happiness.  All went to trash because of what I have.  HIV.

We decided to meet for lunch Tuesday, the day after the election.  He wasn’t able to meet me Monday because he finished voting late and that he has a duty in the hospital by 7pm that night.  I worked out first, (yes, you read it right… but I’m not hunky, I’m slim trying to gain muscles) before I went to the restaurant.  While waiting for him, my decision is already final.  I’ll let him break up with me.  Yes, I’ll let him, because I can’t.  I can’t do it.  I love him so much that if he will not break up with me, I’ll stay in the relationship even though it hurts me so bad already.

He arrived.  As always, smiling wearing his uniform as a medicine student.  It is very obvious that he wasn’t able to rest that much as his were very puffy and is really spelling BED.  He sat down and we ordered.  While eating, I asked him.  What is it that you want to tell me?  He texted me a day before and he said that he has something very important to say that he can’t text it.  Of course, I know what he is going to say.  I’m just playing my role, until the end with no plans of telling him.

He started confessing about his interaction with “dummy” and he was really honest about it.  As in everything, even the steamy text that they had.  I appreaciated his honesty.  Though I already know what happened, the words coming out from his lips are like knives that keeps on stabbing me as they come out.  Once again, I’m bleeding… I wanted to cry.  He finished his piece by saying…. “yeah, honestly… I don’t think I can be physically intimate with anymore….cause I always have that in my mind….”  the truth came out.  He is not ok with me being a pozzie.  And I don’t want to force myself to someone who doesn’t like me.  So I asked him, So do you still want to be with me? He said, yes…. but maybe in a later time…. he then told me that he still wants to  be friends with me and that he is still there for me, and that I should not hesitate to ask for help especially if its regarding my condition… I appreciated that… he still cares for me.

He asked me to go for an ice cream since he knows that chocolate ice cream makes me feel better… and I did not decline his offer.  I wanted to be with him until the very last minute before we part… and when we did, my heart once again hurt so bad.  I hurried and hailed a cab.  And as the cab go, I know for sure, that one day when he is ready emotionally, physically and mentally… our paths are gonna cross again….