Archive for friends

Pride and Secrets

Posted in friends, HIV, Personal, pozzie life with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2010 by iamhivpositive

It’s time. I told myself…

My friend, Madam, and I were walking along T. Morato when I suddenly felt the urge of telling him about my status. It was just so timely, it was gay pride and the theme is World Aids Day. I took a deep breath and tried to open my mouth but the words did not come out. I was… scared?

Madam is going to the States hopefully by next year and he told me that he is quite nervous about the medical examination that he is going to have. I asked him why and he said that the medical examination is ok, but he is dreading the HIV test! I asked why again and asked him if there are any possible risks that he might turn out positive. He said yes.

In the event, they was a van were rapid HIV testing is being conducted and I asked him if he would like to have it right there. He said no, he said he’s scared. I told him, it’s going to be alright and that I am going to be there with him, I even lied that I had mine just 2 weeks ago and there is totally nothing to be scared about. For the 3rd time, he said he was scared… I asked him why is he scared and he told me that he doesn’t know how he will react if ever that it turns out positive… Seeing the expression in his face stopped me from pushing in taking the test.

Our other friend, Hotelier, sent us a message informing that he is already in our meeting place. Yep, we decided to meet up and go out after I joined my first ever Gay Pride as part of the Yoga For Life contingent. He joined us in a bit and we decided to head to Starbucks. After ordering we took the table near the entrance so we could also see what’s going on outside. Madam started talking about an ex boyfriend who is trying to win him back after his long disappearance until we ended up talking about HIV again.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me but I suddenly blurted it out to both of them. They thought I was kidding then when they saw that I was serious, they became quiet and looked at me. The two of them have different reaction, Madam was a slightly emotional whilst hotelier was just very cool about it – I think. I explained to them everything, told them the story from the very beginning. How it all started. They were just listening… and I appreciated that. I even felt like crying. Madam tried to inject some humor in our very serious conversation to lighten it up a bit. I also smiled.

Our conversation ended with them asking me to go to a videoke and just belt it all out… which I did. I am happy that I have two more friends who accepted me wholeheartedly without judging me. I am happy that they support me and treats me the same. I am happy because I was able to talk about it again. I was happy that I am slowly becoming more open about it to the people around me. I am happy that night…

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Sa Parking Lot

Posted in lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , on November 24, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Tanga. Yan siguro ang tawag sakin dahil gagawin ko ang gagawin ko ngayon.

Lahat ay handa ng umalis at naghihintay na lang ng elevator pababa. Medjo maliit lang ang elevator sa gusaling yaon kaya’t di lahat ay nakasakay sa unang elevator na nagbukas. Kaming dalawa ay nakabilang sa mga naunang nakasaky. Tahimik lang ang lahat marahil ay pagod o di kaya ay wala lang talagang mapagusapan. Isa isang nagbabaan sa iba’t ibang palapag ang iba pa naming kasama hangga’t sa kaming dalawa na lang ang natira sa loob. Ilang sandali pa at muling bumukas ang elevator at kami ay lumabas na rin mula rito.

Inimbitahan niya ako na sumabay na lang sa kanya at ihahatid niya ako sa pinakamalapit na sakayan dahil malakas ang ulan sa labas. Tumanggi pa ako nung una dahil sa tingin ko naman ay titila naman din ang ulan. Ngunit medyo mapilit siya at ako ay tuluyan nang di nakatanggi.

Sa tingin ko ay pansin nya ang malamig kong pakikitungo sa kanya nung araw nay un. Tanghali pa lang ay magkasama na kami at simula’t sa pol ng magkasama kami nung araw na yun, ako’y medyo ilag na talaga sa kanya.

“Is there something wrong?” Tanong niya sakin habang kami ay nanananghalian.
“Nothing… I’m just not in the mood… don’t mind me… mawawala din to…”

Pero sa totoo lang, nung mga oras ding yun, unti unti ko nang binubuo ang aking magiging “piece” sa kanya. Paano ko kaya sasabihin ng hindi siya masyadong masasaktan o hindi niya maiisip na ang taas naman ng tingin ko sa sarili ko?

Sumakay kami sa kanyang sasakyan. Sabi niya dun na lang daw kami mag-intay para mas malamig at makaupo kami ng maayos. Ito na. Ito na ang tamang timing na hinihintay ko. Ngayon ko na sasabihin sa kanya. Tinangka niyang hawakan ang aking kamay ngunit nagkunwari ako na di ko ito napapansin. Siya ay biglang nagakmang ako ay aakbayan ngunit di ko na napigil ang aking sarili at ako ay medjo napaangil.

“Ei, wag ka muna makulit please… medyo irritable ako ngayon e… snappy ba… sorry”

Ok lang ang kanyang maikling sagot at siya ay biglang natihimik. Tiningnan ko siya. Base sa kanyang reaksyon, alam kong siya ay naiinis na din sa aking pakikitungo sa kanya nuong araw na iyon.

“Ano ba talaga ang problema? Ilabas mo na… para hindi ka na mabad mood…”

At doon na ako nagsimula…

Sinubukan kong ipaliwanag sa kanya ang aking nararamdaman ngunit di ko ito madiretso.

“Ummm…. Sige… First, I don’t want to mislead you or anything… let’s just enjoy what we have… like, you can go date other people and same goes for me… but if you still want to ask me out, it’s fine… we can go out… I want us to be friends first… mas maganda kasi kapag ganun, I mean, yung foundation ng relationship natin… if ever man na magflourish… kung hindi naman magdevelop into something romantic… atleast we’re friends… ayoko lang magrush… right now, I’m trying… but sana talaga maging friends lang muna tayo… like walang holding hands or kissing… plain friends ba… then we’ll see from there if ever…”, ang mahaba at dire-diretso kong tugon…

“Ok… “ ang kanyang sagot….

Date anyone? lol.

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I was having dinner with a friend one Sunday evening at Kitchen in Greenbelt when suddenly a cute couple went inside the restaurant. Both of us looked at them with envy and followed them with our gaze until they were able to sit comfortably in one of the tables. We looked at each other and smiled. It was very obvious in our faces that we were envious, we both sighed and talked about why were still in the market.

Don’t get me wrong, I think being single is really fun. You get to do all the things you want to do… You get to go wherever you want to go… You get to flirt with all the guys who looks at you… and most of all you get to sleep with anyone you like… =) However, whether we admit it or not, there are really those nights wherein you just really wish that someone is waiting for you at home… that someone would just hug you after a rough day in the office, someone who would make tampo and make pasuyo… in short, someone to be with…. A partner…

Going back to my story, my friend and I started to talk about what we are looking for in a guy. I told my friend that he is very picky/choosy thus he is still single in his age, he’s already in his late 30’s… I think? Hehehe. He went into several dates lately and no matter how much of a good catch his date is, he always sees the flaws… or sometimes, it’s the other way around.

However in my case, I always go for the short cut… wala nang ligaw ligaw… if you like me, I like you… then tayo na… hahahaha. Wag nang patagalin… ;p though most of the time, since I am attracted to the more serious one’s… they are more into the getting to know each other first thing… and I don’t have anything against that… it’s for the better din naman. I’m very easy to please din naman kasi, as long as the person showers me with attention and makes me feel special, I’m yours… easy.. but I ain’t cheap. Lol. So sometimes I reflect on the dates that I had… the things that I did or said… because most of the time, I don’t get the second call… or end up as a friend… maybe I’m just really a friend material… and with that, I think I need some dating tips… anyone? ;p

Someone asked me, now that you’re a pozzie, nagbago ba yung mga gusto mo sa isang guy? Bumaba ba yung standards mo? I smiled. I don’t think na purket your sick is that you have to settle for the less… the more that you deserve the best right? And the best would be someone who would never judge you and will accept you pozzie or not… standards? Preferences? Qualifications? It will always be there… never naman talaga sigurong mawawala yun… did my preferences change? Maybe… I added something to the list and that is someone who understands, educated and accepting…

My friend’s sudden movement brought me back to the real word… I looked around and we’re still at Kitchen. My friend laughed at me and told me that I was day dreaming… he then challenged me that I should have a boyfriend by November… I laughed…

Frogs

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , on October 3, 2010 by iamhivpositive

A friend told me once, “he is just one of those frogs that you have to kiss before you find your prince…” when he told me that before, I laughed. I never really considered my love life as a fairytale story. Not that I’m not into fairy tales, in fact I love Little Mermaid! hehehe.

Anyways, the reason why I’m making this entry is because of “crush”…

Yep, you got it right… it’s not a happy ending….

One lazy day, I saw him online and decided to chat with him. He was game with chatting with me even though he didn’t have much sleep. We talked about random things until I can’t help but flirt with him. His replies were not dismissing so I continued pestering him. Our conversation went so well that I ended up confessing that I have a crush on him. He was surprised. I wondered why he was surprised… I think I was really obvious that I was crushing on him…. hahahah… he then told me that actually he finds me cute and that he likes me. Yey! And that made my day.

After that, we started exchanging text messages for almost everyday. Before we sleep and when we wake up, even though we don’t really have anything to talk about. I guess we were both excited with what we are starting to have.

Friday that week, my officemates decided to have dinner near his workplace. Knowing that he is at work during that time, I informed him that I was in the area and we decided to meet up during his break. I was excited. This is the first time that I am going to be able to actually talk to him in person. hehehe.

It was almost half past twelve when he arrived in the coffee shop. The first few minutes was awkward but I decided to just keep on talking to break the ice. Eventually, he started to loosen up a bit though there were still silent moments. After an hour of talking we decided to leave the shop. As you can see, nothing really special happened, there was no “spark”. I think.

I honestly feel that he didn’t like me, but when I asked him, he said we’re good. So I thought, it was ok. We continued to text and chat but this time, something changed already. He was not as perky as before, he would always say he was sleepy and tired. From there, I had the idea that he is really not into me anymore and that maybe he is just trying to be polite… and with that thought, I minimised my pestering until I finally asked him and he confirmed my conclusions…

Overall, I’m a bit sad about how it ended… but it was ok. Again, it was just a crush… In the other hand, I am also happy since we can still be friends… we already shared quite a lot of information to each other which I think can be a good foundation of our future friendship… hehehe… Right now, I think it will be quite awkward once I see him again in class but I know we will get over it… hehe

So just to sum it all up, he is one of those frogs that I had to kiss for me to find my real prince… where could he be? hehehe.

Envy

Posted in etc, friends, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , on July 20, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I saw a friend in the pantry of our office. He was buying iced tea from the vendo machine when I approached him. Let’s call him, RN, since he is also a registered nurse. As you can see now, most of my friends are in the medical field. We are working in the same company however I think it has been more than a month since I last saw him. I missed him.

There was a very huge smile on his face when he caught my eyes. His eyes were…. twinkling? I can tell he was very happy. Curious unto why the twinkling eyes, I ran towards him. He asked me how I was and why he hasn’t seen me around. I told him I am working in the early mid-shift and so he understand. I asked him about his smile and his blooming aura… he spilled that he is now seeing someone. I smiled. Atlast! This very choosy friend of mine finally decided to exclusively date someone. I asked him for details and as he was happily telling me everything… I felt something else… I was… envious?

The smile on my face disappeared but I tried to put it back. Why am I envious?

My wondering was interupted when he told me to look for the his date’s profile in facebook. I immediately obliged and checked it out since he said he also needs to go back and take calls. I went back to our tiny office and clicked on Mozilla and went straight to facebook. I searched for my friends profile and searched his date from there. He was right, he is cute. They will totally look good together, I am genuinely happy for him. Then, I felt it again. Envy.

I took a deep breath, I am envious because I know that It will take me a long time again before I can date someone. Especially in my condition…. honesty is my no. 1 rule when it comes to relationship or even dating and I think that It will take sometime… or maybe it will never happen…

I took another deep breath and cleared my mind. What am I thinking? Why am I thinking about dating and having a relationship again when I was just got out from one? I smiled. I guess I am just being a pessimist again. I shook my head. I have to be optimist. I know that in the right time, our path’s will cross… he might even be reading this blog right now… ( hahahaha! ) But if it will not happen, it’s ok… I am receiving a lot of love anyways… hehe. I guess I should just be contented with that… right?

If others can wait, so can I… lol.

let’s stay happy… negative vibes away! lol.

The Hotelier, Seaman, Engineer and Madam

Posted in etc, friends, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , on July 18, 2010 by iamhivpositive

The rain started to fall…

I was riding the jeepney…

I was on my way to meet my friends… we are going to have a send off party for a friend who will be leaving in a few days for abroad. The plan was to have dinner and sing our lungs out in the karaoke. For sure, it’s going to be fun since we are going to be complete again… Like the song goes, I have a feeling that tonight’s gonna be a goodnight… =)

I went to the hotel where Hotelier (one of my friends) is checked in that night. He asked me if I could meet him first so we could go to the meeting place together. I’ve been wanting to tell hotelier about the truth. About me being positive. But whenever I try to tell him, there is always something that would make me stop what I am saying. I know that hotelier is going to be cool about it but I don’t know… I just can’t bring myself in telling him… hehe. Anyways, I went to the reception first and they informed hotelier that I was already in the lobby. The receptionist informed me that I could already go up to in room.

Honestly, it was my first time to be inside a hotel room… hahaha… I’ve been in SOGO and the likes but not in a hotel… hahaha… so I was really excited. Shallow eh? =) I buzzed the door bell and he let me in. He took a bath and prepped quickly and we are on our way to the meeting place.

Seaman was already in the meeting place and Engineer told us that he is going to be late since his mom asked him to do something. So, Seaman, Hotelier and I decided to have dinner already. After dinner, we went straight to the karaoke place… and after an hour, engineer arrived and after 30 minutes more, Madam entered the room and sang with us. And there we were, Hotelier, Seaman, Engineer, Madam and I… happily singing… if only B is here… then it would have been perfect…

After singing our hearts out and non stop dancing, we got tired and decided to grab a coffee. We went to our favourite spot, in Seattles Best in Greenbelt… (waaah, some of you might even saw me there already… hahaha) we did our usual talk about life, boys, health and love… when the clock strike 1am, we decided to call it a night and go home…

Last night was definitely a good night… no, a superb night… spending time with friends and laughing the night away… for sure last night as I can’t close my mouth from laughing, my cd4 is going up…

Thanks to all my friends who unknowingly helps me fight “it” by making me happy… hehehe… =)

Pozzie Blogs

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , on May 29, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I woke up early this morning and decided to surf the net and look for other pozzie blogs (now I know that the term “pozzie” is used to someone like me, a person that is HIV+)…  I started with http://www.positibo.wordpress.com since that is the first blog I stumbled on a month ago when I was looking for directions on how to go to SACCL.  From his site, I checked other pozzie blogs from his blogroll.  I was very happy reading other pozzie blogs, it made me more realise that yes, I still have a life to live… and a good and healthy one.

I honestly thought that I can no longer date and that no one would actually accept, but after reading their blogs… I realised I was wrong.  I underestimated other negative people who can actually accept and be broad minded about HIV.

I messaged some of the pozzie’s and invited them to read my blog, I also thank them for giving me strength to face what I have… I haven’t told my friends about my situation cause I am scared of their reactions that’s why I am happy to see that there are a lot of people like me in the net to whom I can actually talk to and seek for an advice…