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Pride and Secrets

Posted in friends, HIV, Personal, pozzie life with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2010 by iamhivpositive

It’s time. I told myself…

My friend, Madam, and I were walking along T. Morato when I suddenly felt the urge of telling him about my status. It was just so timely, it was gay pride and the theme is World Aids Day. I took a deep breath and tried to open my mouth but the words did not come out. I was… scared?

Madam is going to the States hopefully by next year and he told me that he is quite nervous about the medical examination that he is going to have. I asked him why and he said that the medical examination is ok, but he is dreading the HIV test! I asked why again and asked him if there are any possible risks that he might turn out positive. He said yes.

In the event, they was a van were rapid HIV testing is being conducted and I asked him if he would like to have it right there. He said no, he said he’s scared. I told him, it’s going to be alright and that I am going to be there with him, I even lied that I had mine just 2 weeks ago and there is totally nothing to be scared about. For the 3rd time, he said he was scared… I asked him why is he scared and he told me that he doesn’t know how he will react if ever that it turns out positive… Seeing the expression in his face stopped me from pushing in taking the test.

Our other friend, Hotelier, sent us a message informing that he is already in our meeting place. Yep, we decided to meet up and go out after I joined my first ever Gay Pride as part of the Yoga For Life contingent. He joined us in a bit and we decided to head to Starbucks. After ordering we took the table near the entrance so we could also see what’s going on outside. Madam started talking about an ex boyfriend who is trying to win him back after his long disappearance until we ended up talking about HIV again.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me but I suddenly blurted it out to both of them. They thought I was kidding then when they saw that I was serious, they became quiet and looked at me. The two of them have different reaction, Madam was a slightly emotional whilst hotelier was just very cool about it – I think. I explained to them everything, told them the story from the very beginning. How it all started. They were just listening… and I appreciated that. I even felt like crying. Madam tried to inject some humor in our very serious conversation to lighten it up a bit. I also smiled.

Our conversation ended with them asking me to go to a videoke and just belt it all out… which I did. I am happy that I have two more friends who accepted me wholeheartedly without judging me. I am happy that they support me and treats me the same. I am happy because I was able to talk about it again. I was happy that I am slowly becoming more open about it to the people around me. I am happy that night…


An Invitation – YOGA LOCA

Posted in etc, friends, Medical, Personal, pozzie life with tags , , , , , , on August 27, 2010 by iamhivpositive


You ready to Yoga with your Tanga? ^__^

I am inviting you guys to join YOGA LOCA… it is the YOGA for the FABULOUSLY GAY, and the GAY FABULOUS!

If you are interested… please feel free to contact the number in the poster….

Thank you!



Posted in etc, friends, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , on July 20, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I saw a friend in the pantry of our office. He was buying iced tea from the vendo machine when I approached him. Let’s call him, RN, since he is also a registered nurse. As you can see now, most of my friends are in the medical field. We are working in the same company however I think it has been more than a month since I last saw him. I missed him.

There was a very huge smile on his face when he caught my eyes. His eyes were…. twinkling? I can tell he was very happy. Curious unto why the twinkling eyes, I ran towards him. He asked me how I was and why he hasn’t seen me around. I told him I am working in the early mid-shift and so he understand. I asked him about his smile and his blooming aura… he spilled that he is now seeing someone. I smiled. Atlast! This very choosy friend of mine finally decided to exclusively date someone. I asked him for details and as he was happily telling me everything… I felt something else… I was… envious?

The smile on my face disappeared but I tried to put it back. Why am I envious?

My wondering was interupted when he told me to look for the his date’s profile in facebook. I immediately obliged and checked it out since he said he also needs to go back and take calls. I went back to our tiny office and clicked on Mozilla and went straight to facebook. I searched for my friends profile and searched his date from there. He was right, he is cute. They will totally look good together, I am genuinely happy for him. Then, I felt it again. Envy.

I took a deep breath, I am envious because I know that It will take me a long time again before I can date someone. Especially in my condition…. honesty is my no. 1 rule when it comes to relationship or even dating and I think that It will take sometime… or maybe it will never happen…

I took another deep breath and cleared my mind. What am I thinking? Why am I thinking about dating and having a relationship again when I was just got out from one? I smiled. I guess I am just being a pessimist again. I shook my head. I have to be optimist. I know that in the right time, our path’s will cross… he might even be reading this blog right now… ( hahahaha! ) But if it will not happen, it’s ok… I am receiving a lot of love anyways… hehe. I guess I should just be contented with that… right?

If others can wait, so can I… lol.

let’s stay happy… negative vibes away! lol.

The Hotelier, Seaman, Engineer and Madam

Posted in etc, friends, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , on July 18, 2010 by iamhivpositive

The rain started to fall…

I was riding the jeepney…

I was on my way to meet my friends… we are going to have a send off party for a friend who will be leaving in a few days for abroad. The plan was to have dinner and sing our lungs out in the karaoke. For sure, it’s going to be fun since we are going to be complete again… Like the song goes, I have a feeling that tonight’s gonna be a goodnight… =)

I went to the hotel where Hotelier (one of my friends) is checked in that night. He asked me if I could meet him first so we could go to the meeting place together. I’ve been wanting to tell hotelier about the truth. About me being positive. But whenever I try to tell him, there is always something that would make me stop what I am saying. I know that hotelier is going to be cool about it but I don’t know… I just can’t bring myself in telling him… hehe. Anyways, I went to the reception first and they informed hotelier that I was already in the lobby. The receptionist informed me that I could already go up to in room.

Honestly, it was my first time to be inside a hotel room… hahaha… I’ve been in SOGO and the likes but not in a hotel… hahaha… so I was really excited. Shallow eh? =) I buzzed the door bell and he let me in. He took a bath and prepped quickly and we are on our way to the meeting place.

Seaman was already in the meeting place and Engineer told us that he is going to be late since his mom asked him to do something. So, Seaman, Hotelier and I decided to have dinner already. After dinner, we went straight to the karaoke place… and after an hour, engineer arrived and after 30 minutes more, Madam entered the room and sang with us. And there we were, Hotelier, Seaman, Engineer, Madam and I… happily singing… if only B is here… then it would have been perfect…

After singing our hearts out and non stop dancing, we got tired and decided to grab a coffee. We went to our favourite spot, in Seattles Best in Greenbelt… (waaah, some of you might even saw me there already… hahaha) we did our usual talk about life, boys, health and love… when the clock strike 1am, we decided to call it a night and go home…

Last night was definitely a good night… no, a superb night… spending time with friends and laughing the night away… for sure last night as I can’t close my mouth from laughing, my cd4 is going up…

Thanks to all my friends who unknowingly helps me fight “it” by making me happy… hehehe… =)

Like A Virgin

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, sex, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I don’t know how to start this post but all I want to say is that I’m scared of getting laid again.  Whew! There.  I said it already.

This morning, I was blog hopping (pozzie blogs) when I noticed that there were a few post about their sexcapades, of course it was not written in full details.  I smiled.  I always feel happy whenever I read these posts of them as it makes me “re-believe” that I am normal and that I can still pretty much do what others can do.  But it’s different today… I was more of feeling… envious?

Yes, I think I envy them…. nah, I do envy them…for having sex… of course safe sex….  I don’t know why I’m feeling this when I know that I can do it too… it’s just that I won’t.  I’m scared.  Scared that I might infect other people with what I have even though it’s safe.  I wish I’m like them.  Not that no one asks me to do it but whenever I say yes, it would come to a point where I would get flash backs about my surgery, me finding out I was poz and I would suddenly get scared and back out in the last minute.  Sad thing is, I can’t even explain why I backed out… rude, eh?   I also don’t know if I have to tell my partner (sex partner for that matter) or should I just keep it to myself but would insist in using condoms.    I don’t know, I’m scared…  Actually just writing this post makes me a bit shaky, good thing I don’t have to use a pen or you will not be able to read this.

It has been more or less 6-7 months since the last time I had sex.  Yes, even when babe and I were still together, we didn’t have sex.  We were contented with just cuddling and playing, touching one another but that’s just about it.  Bed time na!  We were both scared that he might get my little friends and during the latter part, HIV… He was even scared of kissing me… I think.

Oh well, that’s why I think it’s becoming an issue to me now.  It has been half a year since the last time.  Me, having no sex life… because I’m a coward.  I know that my helping hand is always ready but I know you know how different it is when you can feel someone else’s body heat.  Haaay….

I envy them.  I really envy them.  I know that I am the only one who can also save my problem since I am the problem.  Me, being scared.  I don’t know until when I will be haunted by these thoughts but until then, I will always feel like a virgin…


Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Whenever I check mails online, I just let my YM open/available so that if there is anyone who would like to chat and ask a question I’m ready to answer. So while surfing the net, an IM was sent to me. It was from someone who is not on my contact list and the message was the usual, Hi! Hello!. Like other people who messages me, he was curious about how I got it, from whom, what I felt and so on and so forth. I was already about to instruct him to read my blog, for him to know everything I am feeling when he asked me something…

Di mu ba naiisip gumanti?”

It took me awhile to reply… I never thought of having a revenge to anyone… I searched my heart if there is any space for such feeling but there is none. I just don’t think that I have to. It’s all my fault anyways. If I could have been smarter and more careful before that I don’t have HIV now. So I replied back with a simple “no”.

Sa totoo lang tayo pare, alam naman nating gusto mung gumanti?

I was a bit surprised with his reply. He didn’t believe me though I honestly answered his question. Like I always do, there’s no point in lying anymore. I replied back with a smiley… then I told him that honestly, I don’t really feel that I need to and I am too busy keeping myself healthy to think about that stuff. I also told him that there is no point in having a revenge since I don’t blame anyone for what happened to me but myself. Second, who will the target of my revenge? the one who gave me this? Common sense, he already has it too so it is going to be useless… Third, why would I want to spread the virus to other people? They didn’t do anything.

He sent a sharp reply… “Kung ako kasi yan, patay lahat sakin sa Romeo, hahawahan ko sila… damay damay na to… buti na lang non-reactive ako

“Buti na nga lang”, I told myself. I was very sad with his reply. I can’t believe that this person is actually thinking of spreading the virus if ever he turned out positive. I told him that it will be reckless to do that. That only people who doesn’t use their brains would do such a thing. I explained to him that no one dies of HIV. That HIV’s target is the immune system thus it makes you vulnerable to other opportunistic diseases which he can also get if he is going to have his revenge if ever. I told him that doing that might even make his life shorter.

“Di ako makapaniwala na may tao pang gaya mo… sa panahon ngayon, mga santo at santa na lang ang mababait at mga bayani na lang ang pinapatayuan ng monumento….” he replied then logged off.

I was left in front of the PC hanging. I still want to convince him not to do it if ever, but I guess there are people like him, who will not be able to accept the truth of being positive if ever. I just wish he never turns out positive, that he starts using protection. And I really pray that people who goes for casual sex will come into their senses and use condoms. A friend always tell me… People know what condoms are for, they just don’t want to use it and blames other people saying that they are not aware of HIV…

A Christmas Carol

Posted in lovelife with tags , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Our first movie date

It was a very lazy evening so I decided to surf the net.  Yes, when I say surf the net, it includes checking gay social networking sites and checking my mails… and males!

Whilst browsing, a pop up box appeared on my screen telling me that I have a new message and if  I want to read it.  Of course, I clicked yes and read through the senders message.  The sender was asking me how was my evening and he also complimented me with my looks. =)  I replied by saying it was a very boring night.   He then replied back by asking me if I want to watch a movie that night.  As bored as I was, I said yes.

We decided to meet up in a shopping centre near our area, it was almost 9’ish and the mall is about to close.  Good thing I was able to arrive in the meeting place before the security of the mall prevents people from coming in.  I waited for a few minutes because the sender was still not there.  After a while, there is this cute chinky tall guy who approached me and if I was —-.  I gave him a smile and I said yes, then followed him to the ticket booth.   While walking, there were lots of things in my mind.  He looks better in person than in the picture.  He is medium built, tall and has a fair complexion.  He also looks well educated.  He asked me what movie do I want to see and I just told him any.  He then suggested if we could watch A Christmas Carol since it is his favourite novel since childhood and of course I agreed.  Since it was already late, we are going to watch the last full show and we still have approximately an hour to spare before the movie starts.

He asked me if I would like to go to his pad first since he lives in the condominium in that mall as well.  I said yes thinking that this will be our chance to do a little bit of hanky panky.  His pad is very cozy, it was very welcoming and calming as far as I can remember.  We sat in the couch and we just chatted, yes, we JUST chatted.  I think it’s because I like him that’s why I don’t want to do things that would turn him off and not ask for a second meet up.  Also, I don’t want for him to think that I’m easy.  Before we went to the cinema again, I decided to atleast give him a hug and it send chills to my spine.

In the cinema, I wasn’t really focusing in the movie, my attention was all in him.  Any slight movement  that he makes, I look at him.  Thinking that he might want to kiss me or hold my hands while watching.  The movie was about to finish by the time that we actually held hands, he looked at me and he smiled.  Again, I felt chills.  When the movie ended,  I decided to go home but he asked me if  I would want to stay in his pad for a few minutes since it was still quite early, it was already 11:30 that time.

Once again, we sat in their couch and talked but this time, our hands are together and we can feel that we are really into each other.   We talked about our lives, our past, what type of guys do we date and so forth.  I decided to leave already when he mentioned that he still has a class the next day and I have work.  I decided to give him a smack on the lips in which he replied.

As I was on the cab going home, I knew that that night, was definitely a good night.