Archive for heartache

So Hard

Posted in Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2010 by iamhivpositive

My hands stopped tapping the keyboard.  My mind stopped working.   I was staring blankly on the screen.  Then my tears started to fall.  I can’t stop it.  I just made sure that my sobbing is not heard by anyone since I’m in the office.  After yesterday,  I go to work as a jolly person, the usual “Jun Jun” (yes, you can call me Jun Jun) with a big smile but deep inside I’m dying.  Yes, dying might be a very strong term but honestly that’s what I’m feeling.  I would just sometimes go to the loo and cry so that nobody can see.  They know me as a strong person, so I can’t let them see my that this is eating me.

At home, I would log in to sites and message random people that I like. I  would ask them for a date or to meet up… or even have sex…yes, I was also looking for it since it has been a long time since the last one and you know the reason why. But don’t worry, I ended up not meeting anyone since the “righteous” in me stops me.  I felt like I was rebelling.  The break up caused pain not just to me but also to my ego.  My self esteem really went down.  I felt like no one will like me anymore that’s why I had to prove myself that I’m still “sell-able” (if there is such a word in the market) and the people in those sites did not disappointed me.  There were, not a lot, but several replies from those whom I messaged.  But while I was reading their replies, I was thinking… is this going to be me again?  Isn’t this the reason why I have HIV.  Because of seb’s with strangers?

I closed all the windows and just stare blank in the pc again.  I cried.  I’m lost.  I’m in pain.  I’ m hurt.  And it’s soo hard to try and pretend that you are moving on…

Butterfly

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, thoughts with tags , , , , , , on June 4, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I can’t pretend these tears
Aren’t overflowing steadily
I can’t prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye (stand and say goodbye)
For you’ll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly

As I hail the cab, this song was on my head.  It already happened. We already broke up.  5 months that felt like 5 years of happiness.  All went to trash because of what I have.  HIV.

We decided to meet for lunch Tuesday, the day after the election.  He wasn’t able to meet me Monday because he finished voting late and that he has a duty in the hospital by 7pm that night.  I worked out first, (yes, you read it right… but I’m not hunky, I’m slim trying to gain muscles) before I went to the restaurant.  While waiting for him, my decision is already final.  I’ll let him break up with me.  Yes, I’ll let him, because I can’t.  I can’t do it.  I love him so much that if he will not break up with me, I’ll stay in the relationship even though it hurts me so bad already.

He arrived.  As always, smiling wearing his uniform as a medicine student.  It is very obvious that he wasn’t able to rest that much as his were very puffy and is really spelling BED.  He sat down and we ordered.  While eating, I asked him.  What is it that you want to tell me?  He texted me a day before and he said that he has something very important to say that he can’t text it.  Of course, I know what he is going to say.  I’m just playing my role, until the end with no plans of telling him.

He started confessing about his interaction with “dummy” and he was really honest about it.  As in everything, even the steamy text that they had.  I appreaciated his honesty.  Though I already know what happened, the words coming out from his lips are like knives that keeps on stabbing me as they come out.  Once again, I’m bleeding… I wanted to cry.  He finished his piece by saying…. “yeah, honestly… I don’t think I can be physically intimate with anymore….cause I always have that in my mind….”  the truth came out.  He is not ok with me being a pozzie.  And I don’t want to force myself to someone who doesn’t like me.  So I asked him, So do you still want to be with me? He said, yes…. but maybe in a later time…. he then told me that he still wants to  be friends with me and that he is still there for me, and that I should not hesitate to ask for help especially if its regarding my condition… I appreciated that… he still cares for me.

He asked me to go for an ice cream since he knows that chocolate ice cream makes me feel better… and I did not decline his offer.  I wanted to be with him until the very last minute before we part… and when we did, my heart once again hurt so bad.  I hurried and hailed a cab.  And as the cab go, I know for sure, that one day when he is ready emotionally, physically and mentally… our paths are gonna cross again….

Text, Lunch and Lies

Posted in lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Let him go…” this is the most common advice that I always get whenever I ask for an advice on what to do regarding my heart problem.  From my boss, to my colleagues to my friends… they want me to let go.  But I don’t want to…I love him.  I’d rather let him break up with me that me breaking up with him… it’s just too hard.  I can’t.

I’m still hoping…. hoping that we could still work this out.  That this is just a test in our relationship and that we will get through this… together, as a couple.  Besides being a medicine student, he is intelligent and caring and with that for sure he is going bounce back from what he is feeling right now.

Until that night, that night when doubt and curiosity ate my mind and I did something really wrong.  Knowing that babe regularly checks his emails.  I a “dummy” account in PlanetRomeo and messaged him.  Introduced who I was and told him that I find him interesting.  Of course, I just made up all the information and details that I told him.  It is my first time to do this and for no reason, I think I’m very good at it.  I slept that night very nervous as I know I did something really wrong and I was really praying that he will not reply.

A week had passed and I receive no reply from him until the second week.  He messaged back saying that he is sorry for not replying immediately since he seldom logs in in that site.  He also said that he is happily in a relationship and that he wanted that clear. I was relieved but was shock when I read the next part of his message.  He gave his ym address and his facebook account so that they could chat there and so that they could keep in touch.  I was saddened by this.  I didn’t get the point of giving your ym and personal email to someone whom you just knew… and in a gay site!  Anyhow, I continued acting and sent him an email in his personal e-mail account.

In my email, I asked him questions that I want to ask him as me, his boyfriend.   I asked him what is he doing in a gay site if he is happy in a relationship.  Though I also pretended that I was curious about his boyfriend and his interests.  Again, I slept that night with a very heavy heart.  I wanted to cry.

The next day, babe’s text became very very minimal.  He only texted me good morning.  I know this is very petty but with what I was feeling last night, I ended up texting him and confronting him.  That night, we talked over the phone and fight some more although it is in a diplomatic way… until the conversation concluded with having a cool off and we’ll just talk over the weekend since we are meeting anyways.  As I dropped the phone, I started to feel the pain… an excruciating pain… I wasn’t able to sleep that night and went to work like a zombie.

Saturday.  We decided to meet for lunch and for the first time, babe was in the restaurant first.  He was smiling.  I was thinking why is he smiling when this is already the end for us.  We ordered and while waiting for food he started to talk.  He handed me his phone and let me read a message.  It was a message meant for me.  In his message he told me that he loves me soo much and that he doesn’t want to break up with me.  I smiled.  I was happy.  After eating, he confessed that he logged on in PlanetRomeo.  I asked why.  He said that someone “interesting” sent him a message and that he got curious so he logged in to read it.  I felt like I was slapped.  Did he just say someone “interesting” in front of my face?  Continuing my acting, I pretended to be upset and curious so I asked what was his message.  He told me honestly.  Then I asked him if he replied, but before answering I told him that if ever he replied, I will really be upset but that will be ok as long as he tell me the truth.  And to my dismay, he lied.  He said, he didn’t replied.  I felt the pain again.  Like someone is stabbing my heart.  He was lying! I wanted to tell him the truth and slap it into his face.  But I composed myself and acted that it was all good so we ended the day happy… little did he know, I was bleeding inside.

I went home that day knowing already that anytime soon, we will break up.  And I have to prepare myself for that… and when that time comes, I don’t want to stop him… like what they said, I have to let him go…