Archive for hpv

23

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2010 by iamhivpositive

The countdown started… 27 days to go before my birthday. Yep, I’m turning 23 in a few weeks time and I’m HIV positive.

This year has been very eventful… I dated a lot of guys, had lots of sex, met a lot of wonderful guys, fell in love, was in a relationship thinking, finding out I have genital warts, being admitted in the hospital alone, went under the knife 2x to have the warts removed, found out I have HIV, learned yoga, learned to love myself more now and so on and so on…

A lot of people will be disappointed if ever they knew that in the age of 22, I’m already a pozzie. Some people might even stay away from me and judge me because of it. But right now, I don’t care. Not that I’m proud of it, but I know myself… and I fully accept the new me. And I know the real story… I’m turning 1 year older and I’m stronger, more optimistic and has a lot of love to give… and with that, I believe that is more that just being a young adult living with HIV… it makes me… me…

My trainees asks me, what do I want to happen in my next year… I answered with strong and healthy body, happiness, peace and serenity… corny no? Maybe if they asked me last year I would say, I want to have a laptop, the latest gadget, a car, a fat savings account, lots of boys, a hot boyfriend… not that I don’t want it anymore, let’s just say my priorities changed… I changed…

This year has taught me a lot of lessons in life… and I learned it in a very hard way… I stumbled this year, stumbled really bad, but as cliche as it may sound, it doesn’t matter how hard you hit the ground, it’s how you stand up and try to walk again that would define you as a man…

Again, a few weeks from now, im turning 23… and I have HIV…

Revenge

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Whenever I check mails online, I just let my YM open/available so that if there is anyone who would like to chat and ask a question I’m ready to answer. So while surfing the net, an IM was sent to me. It was from someone who is not on my contact list and the message was the usual, Hi! Hello!. Like other people who messages me, he was curious about how I got it, from whom, what I felt and so on and so forth. I was already about to instruct him to read my blog, for him to know everything I am feeling when he asked me something…

Di mu ba naiisip gumanti?”

It took me awhile to reply… I never thought of having a revenge to anyone… I searched my heart if there is any space for such feeling but there is none. I just don’t think that I have to. It’s all my fault anyways. If I could have been smarter and more careful before that I don’t have HIV now. So I replied back with a simple “no”.

Sa totoo lang tayo pare, alam naman nating gusto mung gumanti?

I was a bit surprised with his reply. He didn’t believe me though I honestly answered his question. Like I always do, there’s no point in lying anymore. I replied back with a smiley… then I told him that honestly, I don’t really feel that I need to and I am too busy keeping myself healthy to think about that stuff. I also told him that there is no point in having a revenge since I don’t blame anyone for what happened to me but myself. Second, who will the target of my revenge? the one who gave me this? Common sense, he already has it too so it is going to be useless… Third, why would I want to spread the virus to other people? They didn’t do anything.

He sent a sharp reply… “Kung ako kasi yan, patay lahat sakin sa Romeo, hahawahan ko sila… damay damay na to… buti na lang non-reactive ako

“Buti na nga lang”, I told myself. I was very sad with his reply. I can’t believe that this person is actually thinking of spreading the virus if ever he turned out positive. I told him that it will be reckless to do that. That only people who doesn’t use their brains would do such a thing. I explained to him that no one dies of HIV. That HIV’s target is the immune system thus it makes you vulnerable to other opportunistic diseases which he can also get if he is going to have his revenge if ever. I told him that doing that might even make his life shorter.

“Di ako makapaniwala na may tao pang gaya mo… sa panahon ngayon, mga santo at santa na lang ang mababait at mga bayani na lang ang pinapatayuan ng monumento….” he replied then logged off.

I was left in front of the PC hanging. I still want to convince him not to do it if ever, but I guess there are people like him, who will not be able to accept the truth of being positive if ever. I just wish he never turns out positive, that he starts using protection. And I really pray that people who goes for casual sex will come into their senses and use condoms. A friend always tell me… People know what condoms are for, they just don’t want to use it and blames other people saying that they are not aware of HIV…

love-atory tests

Posted in lovelife, Medical, Personal with tags , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2010 by iamhivpositive

My doctor asked me to undergo several tests to check if I have any other diseases or sickness… I think it’s an SOP that all patients who turned out to be positive to undergo these tests.  I told the doctor that I will be doing them after holy week.

My boyfriend told me that he can accompany me when I do the tests since he is still in Manila and he still has classes…  and I agreed.  I need him to be there, to give me support since he is the only one (besides my friend in Singapore) who knows what I’m positive…  We decided to meet up on a Thursay since that is the only day that he will be free….and as usual I filed a leave from work.

Monday night that week, I decided to log in online and check my mails then a really bad idea came to my mind.  I decided to check mu boyfriend’s account in PlanetRomeo (since we are being cautious for him not to be infected with my HPV, we had an agreement that he can keep his account in that site so that he can download porn for his personal use).  I noticed that that night, he logged in so I was thinking maybe he was horny and needed to release it. haha.   However the next day, it wasn’t so funny anymore.  He was online again and also the night after that…  I started thinking of different possibilities… why is he online every night in that site?  This time, I wasn’t able to control myself and messaged him in facebook since he is online there as well.  I immediately told him what I discovered and told him that I don’t like it.  He just replied to me with a sorry and said that he will try to refrain from using that site already…

The next day, when I opened my eyes my heart was pounding so loud.  I have to talk to him.  I have to be honest that I don’t like what he is doing.  I mean, although I agreed with it yes, but I never expected for him to do it very often… that is still a lair of very evil demons that can ruin our relationship…and I’m not satisfied with his answer last night… his sorry was not enough, I need an explanation…  I don’t know how I was able to get up and prepare but the next thing I know is that my boyfriend and I are having breakfast in a nearby fastfood…

After talking about his friend doctor who I actually think has a hidden desire to him, I once again asked him about the Planet Romeo incident.  He said that he was just downloading porn… I don’t know but I can’t believe that he is telling the truth so I asked further.  “Nagdownload ka ng porn for 3 days straight? like everynight?” He wasn’t able to answer quickly then he slipped and said that he was messaging a friend.  I was shocked, we agreed that he should not message or reply to anyone.  I was hurt.  I felt betrayed.  I asked him what they talked about and he just said “buhay buhay“…”  I was like seriously? You talked about buhay buhay for three nights? but I did not say it since I was deeply hurt.  I just asked him if we could go to the clinic already…

While waiting for the doctor, we waited for almost 2 hours, I asked him again.  I know I’m irritating already but I’m not really happy with his answers.  I asked him again about what they talked about and he just gave the same answer.  He changed the topic by texting the doctor and asking him what time he will arrive.  When the doctor replied that he will arrive after lunch, we decided to have lunch first.  In the cafeteria of the restaurant, I continued probing until I was shocked with the answer he gave… he told me to stop asking already cause I might get hurt if he tells me what they talked about.  I was screaming in my head that time, and what do you think you are doing to me now?  aren’t you hurting me?

Back in the waiting area of the clinic, I asked him the very same question when I asked him when I told him the result of my HIV screening… “Kaya mu pa ba?  baka kasi nagsink in na sayo ngayon ang mga nangyayari at naisip mu na kung anu talaga gusto mu…” he was quiet.  I asked again, “Do you want to explore and look for someone else?” still… no answer.  After a few quiet minutes, he opened his mouth and answered that yes, it is finally sinking in and that it’s just now that he feels that there is something missing with our relationship and that is sex.  He explained that it is only normal for him to look for it because he is young and I understand that.  That’s why I told him that I do understand and that’s why I’m asking him if he wants to look for someone else already.  I told him I can feel that it is also hard for him and that I will understand if he decided to go look for someone else… he was quiet again… and atlast he answered...”I don’t want to risk it babe, I mean sex is important but overall I’m happy with our relationship… if I look for someone else, I’m sure I will not be able to find someone like you… so I will stay….

Home Sweet Home

Posted in lovelife, Medical with tags , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2010 by iamhivpositive

A guy wearing white uniform,  sitting in a chair beside me was the first image I saw after opening my eyes… I feel dizzy.  The guy looked at me and smiled and told me that dinner is ready.  He was my boyfriend.  Hearing the word dinner made my stomach crumble…  I’m starving.  It feels like I haven’t eaten for the longest time.  My boyfriend adjusted the hospital bed so that I can position myself and eat.

After eating, a doctor came in and asked me to sign something.  It was a notice of consent for them to conduct the HIV screening.  Without any hesitation, I signed it.  That time, all I wanted is just for everything to be checked so I don’t have to worry anymore.   After signing the paper, they took 2 vials of blood from me and told me that they are just going to inform me about the result.

The doctor allowed me to already go home the next day.  We just waited for a few hours for our bill and after settling it, my boyfriend and I went home.  I felt relieved once we arrived at home.  At last, the fight  is over.

February 27, 2010

Posted in lovelife, Medical with tags , , , , , , , on May 17, 2010 by iamhivpositive

The day I’ve been waiting for has finally come.  It was February 27, 2010.  The day of my operation.  Finally, the warts will be removed… again.  But I know this time, it’s gonna take quite sometime before it comes back.

I’m getting impatient, my boyfriend arrived early in the morning but also has to go out to buy something for my operation.  Yes, he was the one who stayed with me in the hospital for 3 days.  My family didn’t know that I have genital warts.  I told them I have protruding hemorrhoids and they believed it.  (We are not the typical Filipino family who looks after the other, we go on our own separate ways and not meddle with each others affair)  Until nearly before lunch time, he arrived looking very very tired.

My boyfriend was with me starting day 1 until the operation.  He makes sure to visit and take care of everything even though he still has to go on duty that night as well.  I pitied him.  I felt very sorry because I am his boyfriend.  He deserve someone better.  Yes, I am “self-pitying”.   I told myself that day that if he decides to go and look for someone else, I would understand.  I should.  I must.

The nurse came in and prep me for the operation.  It was lunch time.  After the nurse injected me with something, my sight became very blurry and I felt really sleepy.  I remembered my boyfriend telling me that he is just gonna go home quick to change and assured me that he is beside me as I open my eyes again.  The nurse then pushed the stretcher inside the operation room and the last thing I remembered was they asked me to do a fetal position….

I’ll take care of you

Posted in lovelife with tags , , , , on May 17, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I already decided.  I will tell him.  If I want to have a relationship with this person, I have to be honest to him.  Now, if he doesn’t want to accept me because of what I have then maybe he is not the right one for me.

I asked him to meet me up for a snack through text and he said yes.  I  know it’s quite early to tell him the truth but we went out quite a couple of times already and I really feel that he can be trusted.   My whole body was shaking as I go to our meeting place.  I was still having second thoughts, should I really tell him?  What if this will ruin everything?  He’ll hate me!  But the feeling of wanting him as my partner pushed me to be honest and made me more courageous to tell him the truth, that I have HPV.

After waiting for 5 minutes, he arrived with his very sweet smile.  I can still remember how that smile washed away all my worries but made me scared at the same time…. that it might be the last time for me to see that smile.  We started ordering and we chatted for a bit.  After eating, I took a few deep breaths and I told him everything.  He was listening very intently and I can see that he was surprised.  He became red but after a while, he smiled.  He said that he appreciates my honesty and my courage to tell him the truth.  He also said that he was very thankful that I told him early than he finds it out himself.  He held my hand and assured me that his liking towards me didn’t change… in fact he said, “I’ll take care of you..”

My Christmas present…

Posted in lovelife, Medical with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2010 by iamhivpositive

It was Christmas time and everyone was just soo warm and happy… There was not much in our small table but I can say it was enough to satisfy 3 people; anyways it was my mum, my youngest brother and I at home.  I was able to eat a lot that my tummy started to react and made me visit the loo and that is where I received the most unpleasant Christmas gift ever…

The warts are back.  I felt it while washing.  I was just so surprised that I ended up crying.  I don’t know what to do, the doctor told me that if ever that it is gonna come back, most likely it would be in 2 months time.  And he assured me that everything was removed and that it will not come back.  I was lost and scared.  There were a lot of questions in my mind, but I told myself that I need to be calm and find a solution.

It was already January when I was able to go to a doctor (a different one this time) and have myself checked.  He said that not all was removed that is why the warts were back but there is also a possibility that the viral load of my HPV is too strong that it was able to regenerate it 2-3 weeks time after my surgery.  The doctor said that another operation must be done to remove it.  He also advised me to undergo HIV screening as this might be another reason why the warts are back.

The thought of undergoing the HIV screening didn’t really scared me that time.  It was the money that I need to come up with again made me really sweaty.  I asked for advice from other people, my officemates to be specific, and they told me that I should ask for a second opinion, and so I did.

My boyfriend that time is a medical student and he was able to help set up an appointment to their dean who is luckily, the head of the Colorectal Surgery Department of that hospital.  I felt like a VIP as I was prioritized.  The doctor gave me the same advice, that I needed to undergo another surgery and that I need to undergo different lab tests.  He immediately scheduled me for the operation and said that I need not to worry about the fees as the hospital is public anyways.  My boyfriend also reassured me that he will be in every step of the way. I felt very strong as I know I have the support that I needed…