Archive for lunch

Text, Lunch and Lies

Posted in lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Let him go…” this is the most common advice that I always get whenever I ask for an advice on what to do regarding my heart problem.  From my boss, to my colleagues to my friends… they want me to let go.  But I don’t want to…I love him.  I’d rather let him break up with me that me breaking up with him… it’s just too hard.  I can’t.

I’m still hoping…. hoping that we could still work this out.  That this is just a test in our relationship and that we will get through this… together, as a couple.  Besides being a medicine student, he is intelligent and caring and with that for sure he is going bounce back from what he is feeling right now.

Until that night, that night when doubt and curiosity ate my mind and I did something really wrong.  Knowing that babe regularly checks his emails.  I a “dummy” account in PlanetRomeo and messaged him.  Introduced who I was and told him that I find him interesting.  Of course, I just made up all the information and details that I told him.  It is my first time to do this and for no reason, I think I’m very good at it.  I slept that night very nervous as I know I did something really wrong and I was really praying that he will not reply.

A week had passed and I receive no reply from him until the second week.  He messaged back saying that he is sorry for not replying immediately since he seldom logs in in that site.  He also said that he is happily in a relationship and that he wanted that clear. I was relieved but was shock when I read the next part of his message.  He gave his ym address and his facebook account so that they could chat there and so that they could keep in touch.  I was saddened by this.  I didn’t get the point of giving your ym and personal email to someone whom you just knew… and in a gay site!  Anyhow, I continued acting and sent him an email in his personal e-mail account.

In my email, I asked him questions that I want to ask him as me, his boyfriend.   I asked him what is he doing in a gay site if he is happy in a relationship.  Though I also pretended that I was curious about his boyfriend and his interests.  Again, I slept that night with a very heavy heart.  I wanted to cry.

The next day, babe’s text became very very minimal.  He only texted me good morning.  I know this is very petty but with what I was feeling last night, I ended up texting him and confronting him.  That night, we talked over the phone and fight some more although it is in a diplomatic way… until the conversation concluded with having a cool off and we’ll just talk over the weekend since we are meeting anyways.  As I dropped the phone, I started to feel the pain… an excruciating pain… I wasn’t able to sleep that night and went to work like a zombie.

Saturday.  We decided to meet for lunch and for the first time, babe was in the restaurant first.  He was smiling.  I was thinking why is he smiling when this is already the end for us.  We ordered and while waiting for food he started to talk.  He handed me his phone and let me read a message.  It was a message meant for me.  In his message he told me that he loves me soo much and that he doesn’t want to break up with me.  I smiled.  I was happy.  After eating, he confessed that he logged on in PlanetRomeo.  I asked why.  He said that someone “interesting” sent him a message and that he got curious so he logged in to read it.  I felt like I was slapped.  Did he just say someone “interesting” in front of my face?  Continuing my acting, I pretended to be upset and curious so I asked what was his message.  He told me honestly.  Then I asked him if he replied, but before answering I told him that if ever he replied, I will really be upset but that will be ok as long as he tell me the truth.  And to my dismay, he lied.  He said, he didn’t replied.  I felt the pain again.  Like someone is stabbing my heart.  He was lying! I wanted to tell him the truth and slap it into his face.  But I composed myself and acted that it was all good so we ended the day happy… little did he know, I was bleeding inside.

I went home that day knowing already that anytime soon, we will break up.  And I have to prepare myself for that… and when that time comes, I don’t want to stop him… like what they said, I have to let him go…

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Lunch Date

Posted in lovelife, Medical, Personal, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I found myself inside one of the karaoke cubicles in timezone.  I was sad and I needed to vent out.  I immediately took the song book look for a high song and entered it in the karaoke machine and sang my heart out.  I picked Michael Bolton’s “I can go the Distance… ”  I just felt the need to sing this song as well to make myself  stronger… for me to believe that I can still go far even though I have “it”… I know, you might be thinking that I’m emotional or a drama queen…but at that moment, I was thinking that I already reached the dead end and I can never make a U turn anymore… that everything I’ve worked for all went to waste just because of a night of being irresponsible… that all my plans are no longer possible….

I calmed myself and decided to distract myself  after realising that I am in a public area… there were already some people who were looking at me and wondering why I was crying… so I left Timezone and I went to an internet shop in the mall and decided to kill time there until my boyfriend arrives.  When I logged in to Facebook, one of my friends, who is now in Singapore was online.  He messaged me through chat and I suddenly blurted out what I just found out.  This friend of mine is a nurse by profession so I also felt safe telling him my new secret.  After a few seconds, my phone started ringing and his concerned voice filled my ears.  I was just quiet and I started sobbing then cried…  He was crying as well… I told him everything that happened and he gave me advices and educated me about the disease…  he also assured me that nothing will change in the way that he sees me… and I was relieved…

My boyfriend arrived after a few minutes…  as we were walking towards the restaurant where we are eating, he asked me about the result.  I took a deep breath.  I already prepared myself, and I want to be honest.  If ever he walks away and decides to leave me, I will accept it wholeheartedly… can I really?  Anyways, I told him the result.  He smiled and he asked me to stop bluffing.  I repeated what I said, this time more seriously… and he said, really?  I guess he was shocked.  No, he was shocked, maybe he didn’t expect it.  He smiled and once again, he told me that he will take care of me.  And this is the only time for this day, that I felt happy.  We became quiet as we continue to walk towards the restaurant…

Whilst waiting for our food to be served, I asked him again if it is really ok with him, and he told me that honestly, he is still in the denial stage and still thinks that I’m bluffing but if ever that it is really true, there’s nothing he can do but to be with me every step of the way.  I felt soo lucky.  That this guy loves me despite all of this that is happening to me.  I don’t know if it is my mood or the food but I really felt soo hungry that I was able to finish my chicken teriyaki so fast.  We then decided to leave as my boyfriend still has a class and I need to rest after a very long day…