Archive for moving on

I realized…

Posted in etc, lovelife, Music, Personal, pozzie life with tags , , , , , , , on August 16, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Met up with babe awhile ago for lunch before I head to SAGIP for my check up… I told him a lot of happy stories that is happening to me… to let him know there’s no need to worry and that I am fine… I asked him how he was… he told me he is now seeing someone new… I smiled… at first, it didn’t hurt… but as we go our separate ways… the pain started eating my heart…

(For some reason, the video is not loading so I’ll just post the lyrics of the song…)

It never crossed my mind at all
That’s what I tell myself
What we had has come and gone
You’re better off with someone else
It’s for the best, I know it is
But I see you
Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside

And I turn around
You’re with him now
I just can’t figure it out

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
I’m just a little too not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)
Not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)

Memories
Supposed to fade
What’s wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go
Didn’t think it be this hard
Should be strong
Moving on
But I see you
Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside

And I turn around
You’re with him now
I just can’t figure it out

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
I’m just a little too not over you

Maybe I regret
Everything I said
No way to take it all back, yeah
Now I’m on my own
How I let you go
I’ll never understand
I’ll never understand
Yeah, oooh, oooh, oooh
Oooooooh
Oh
Ooooh, oh

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
I’m just a little too not over you

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
And I really don’t know what to do

I’m just a little too not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)
Not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)

Newly Discovered Antibody Kills Up to 91 Percent of HIV Strains

Posted in Medical, pozzie life with tags , , , , , , , on July 11, 2010 by iamhivpositive

U.S. government scientists have discovered three potent new antibodies, one of which can neutralize up to 91 percent of all HIV strains. These discoveries were published online July 8 in Science and were reported by The Wall Street Journal. Though the scientists acknowledge that their findings represent a hopeful step forward, they caution that it will take a lot of time and effort before they can be translated into something that will prevent or treat HIV infection.

Antibodies are a key element in the immune system that our body uses to defend itself from bacteria and viruses. Antibodies kill these microbes directly or flag the foreign invaders for destruction by other immune cells. Unfortunately, HIV’s outer surface is so easily changeable that antibodies—most of which can neutralize only a few strains—fail to keep it in check. This has made designing a vaccine, which works by provoking the body to produce antibodies, such a frustrating endeavor.

Following a string of failures in vaccine science, researchers have turned in recent years to a search for broadly neutralizing antibodies, which can kill multiple strains of HIV. Several have been identified, but none have been able to neutralize more than 40 percent of HIV strains, and all were quite difficult for the body to produce naturally.

The Wall Street Journal reports that, “The [new] antibodies were discovered in the cells of a 60-year-old African-American gay man, known in the scientific literature as Donor 45, whose body made the antibodies naturally. Researchers screened 25 million of his cells to find 12 that produced the antibodies.”

It’s not yet clear whether or how these new antibodies can be used to prevent and treat HIV. Researchers will focus on several possibilities. One approach entails giving the antibodies directly to people, specifically in cases to prevent transmission from mothers to their babies. Other approaches range from building traditional vaccines with the antibodies, to the developing gene therapies.

Whichever strategy is most promising, it will likely take some time before it is available. Gary Nabel, MD, PhD—one of the leaders of the studies and a director of the Vaccine Research Center at the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases in Bethesda, Maryland—told the Journal, “We’re going to be at this for a while” before any benefit is seen in the clinic.

Source: http://www.poz.com/articles/HIV_neutralizing_antibody_761_18701.shtml

Just Dance!

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 9, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I turned on the lights of the empty room.  Plugged in the player that I have and attached it to the speakers.  I pressed play and the music started to fill the room.  I hurried to go in to the centre of the spotlight and faced the mirror.  I was wearing a white sando with black jogging pants.  I prepared myself to surrender.

As the beat and rhythm circulates the small squared room I can feel it entering my body… as if it’s a part of it… slowly being one with the blood through my veins… wants to reach every part of my body…

asking me to move… and I obeyed.

The music was slow and so was my movement… As it reach the middle part, it started to get fast and so was I…  I am starting to sweat… my heart is with me… making me move more… making me dance more….  and in this moment, I gave it my all….

The lights turned off and I stood still.  I closed my eyes and opened it again.  It was a dream.  A dream the felt so real.

I realised, it has been a very very long time since the last time I danced.  Dancing is my religion before.  I am not the best dancer but I can say I’m a good one.  One that puts his heart and soul into every move and step he is making.  I’m wondering if I can still the dance the way I used to before… when I was a lot younger.  When I was still healthy.

I smiled.

I remembered the first time I ever danced… I was still grade 3 then… “Get Down – Backstreet Boys…” it was our field day… funny.

I smiled again.

I need more practice to be able to dance again.  A lot more of practice.  It’s just now, there is no time to practice… no reason to dance… and so I started wondering… when will I ever wear my dancing shoes again… hmmmm….

=)

Rubi

Posted in lovelife, Music, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , on June 21, 2010 by iamhivpositive

It has been a very tiring day and I was really exhausted from work. As usual, when I got home, I logged in first to check if there are any comments in any of my posts or any emails from anyone who happened to read my blog while my mum is watching the series of soap opera in the tele. I was lucky enough to have a few comments and so I decided to reply. Honestly, replies and comments in this page really makes me feel that someone is listening… and it is really important for me since I can’t openly talk about my feelings about my condition to anyone.

As I was typing my reply, I noticed that some of the letters in the keyboard were wet. Unknowingly, I was crying. Not again?!? I don’t know but I’m really too emotional this past few days, maybe this is one of the symptoms. =( What triggered my tears to start falling? It was a song from the soap opera, Rubi.

Pansin mo ba ang pagbabago
Di matitigan ang iyong mga mata
Tila di na nananabik
sayong yakap at halik

These lines really struck me. I felt like he was talking to me, explaining, trying to make it easy. Yes, he… babe.

Sana’y malaman mo
Hindi sinsadya
kung ang nais ko ay
maging malaya

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan
Damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nababahala
Bulong ng isip, wag kang pakawalan
Ngunit Puso ko, ay kailangan kang iwan

The song continued and as the song reach it’s climax, same goes for my tears. I was so affected. I just want to turn the tv off but doesn’t have to strength to do so. I feel like he was just at my back, whispering every line of the song. Actually I really think he is behind me… am I…hallucinating?

The scene from the soap opera stopped and so the song did. I’m happy that it did, at least I could already stop crying… but also a part of me wishes for it to still continue… I still want to hear him whisper… even though it really hurts… what he is trying to say…I think I’m starting to go insane… hopefully not.

So Hard

Posted in Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2010 by iamhivpositive

My hands stopped tapping the keyboard.  My mind stopped working.   I was staring blankly on the screen.  Then my tears started to fall.  I can’t stop it.  I just made sure that my sobbing is not heard by anyone since I’m in the office.  After yesterday,  I go to work as a jolly person, the usual “Jun Jun” (yes, you can call me Jun Jun) with a big smile but deep inside I’m dying.  Yes, dying might be a very strong term but honestly that’s what I’m feeling.  I would just sometimes go to the loo and cry so that nobody can see.  They know me as a strong person, so I can’t let them see my that this is eating me.

At home, I would log in to sites and message random people that I like. I  would ask them for a date or to meet up… or even have sex…yes, I was also looking for it since it has been a long time since the last one and you know the reason why. But don’t worry, I ended up not meeting anyone since the “righteous” in me stops me.  I felt like I was rebelling.  The break up caused pain not just to me but also to my ego.  My self esteem really went down.  I felt like no one will like me anymore that’s why I had to prove myself that I’m still “sell-able” (if there is such a word in the market) and the people in those sites did not disappointed me.  There were, not a lot, but several replies from those whom I messaged.  But while I was reading their replies, I was thinking… is this going to be me again?  Isn’t this the reason why I have HIV.  Because of seb’s with strangers?

I closed all the windows and just stare blank in the pc again.  I cried.  I’m lost.  I’m in pain.  I’ m hurt.  And it’s soo hard to try and pretend that you are moving on…