Archive for pain

Like A Virgin

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, sex, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I don’t know how to start this post but all I want to say is that I’m scared of getting laid again.  Whew! There.  I said it already.

This morning, I was blog hopping (pozzie blogs) when I noticed that there were a few post about their sexcapades, of course it was not written in full details.  I smiled.  I always feel happy whenever I read these posts of them as it makes me “re-believe” that I am normal and that I can still pretty much do what others can do.  But it’s different today… I was more of feeling… envious?

Yes, I think I envy them…. nah, I do envy them…for having sex… of course safe sex….  I don’t know why I’m feeling this when I know that I can do it too… it’s just that I won’t.  I’m scared.  Scared that I might infect other people with what I have even though it’s safe.  I wish I’m like them.  Not that no one asks me to do it but whenever I say yes, it would come to a point where I would get flash backs about my surgery, me finding out I was poz and I would suddenly get scared and back out in the last minute.  Sad thing is, I can’t even explain why I backed out… rude, eh?   I also don’t know if I have to tell my partner (sex partner for that matter) or should I just keep it to myself but would insist in using condoms.    I don’t know, I’m scared…  Actually just writing this post makes me a bit shaky, good thing I don’t have to use a pen or you will not be able to read this.

It has been more or less 6-7 months since the last time I had sex.  Yes, even when babe and I were still together, we didn’t have sex.  We were contented with just cuddling and playing, touching one another but that’s just about it.  Bed time na!  We were both scared that he might get my little friends and during the latter part, HIV… He was even scared of kissing me… I think.

Oh well, that’s why I think it’s becoming an issue to me now.  It has been half a year since the last time.  Me, having no sex life… because I’m a coward.  I know that my helping hand is always ready but I know you know how different it is when you can feel someone else’s body heat.  Haaay….

I envy them.  I really envy them.  I know that I am the only one who can also save my problem since I am the problem.  Me, being scared.  I don’t know until when I will be haunted by these thoughts but until then, I will always feel like a virgin…

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Revenge

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Whenever I check mails online, I just let my YM open/available so that if there is anyone who would like to chat and ask a question I’m ready to answer. So while surfing the net, an IM was sent to me. It was from someone who is not on my contact list and the message was the usual, Hi! Hello!. Like other people who messages me, he was curious about how I got it, from whom, what I felt and so on and so forth. I was already about to instruct him to read my blog, for him to know everything I am feeling when he asked me something…

Di mu ba naiisip gumanti?”

It took me awhile to reply… I never thought of having a revenge to anyone… I searched my heart if there is any space for such feeling but there is none. I just don’t think that I have to. It’s all my fault anyways. If I could have been smarter and more careful before that I don’t have HIV now. So I replied back with a simple “no”.

Sa totoo lang tayo pare, alam naman nating gusto mung gumanti?

I was a bit surprised with his reply. He didn’t believe me though I honestly answered his question. Like I always do, there’s no point in lying anymore. I replied back with a smiley… then I told him that honestly, I don’t really feel that I need to and I am too busy keeping myself healthy to think about that stuff. I also told him that there is no point in having a revenge since I don’t blame anyone for what happened to me but myself. Second, who will the target of my revenge? the one who gave me this? Common sense, he already has it too so it is going to be useless… Third, why would I want to spread the virus to other people? They didn’t do anything.

He sent a sharp reply… “Kung ako kasi yan, patay lahat sakin sa Romeo, hahawahan ko sila… damay damay na to… buti na lang non-reactive ako

“Buti na nga lang”, I told myself. I was very sad with his reply. I can’t believe that this person is actually thinking of spreading the virus if ever he turned out positive. I told him that it will be reckless to do that. That only people who doesn’t use their brains would do such a thing. I explained to him that no one dies of HIV. That HIV’s target is the immune system thus it makes you vulnerable to other opportunistic diseases which he can also get if he is going to have his revenge if ever. I told him that doing that might even make his life shorter.

“Di ako makapaniwala na may tao pang gaya mo… sa panahon ngayon, mga santo at santa na lang ang mababait at mga bayani na lang ang pinapatayuan ng monumento….” he replied then logged off.

I was left in front of the PC hanging. I still want to convince him not to do it if ever, but I guess there are people like him, who will not be able to accept the truth of being positive if ever. I just wish he never turns out positive, that he starts using protection. And I really pray that people who goes for casual sex will come into their senses and use condoms. A friend always tell me… People know what condoms are for, they just don’t want to use it and blames other people saying that they are not aware of HIV…

Rubi

Posted in lovelife, Music, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , on June 21, 2010 by iamhivpositive

It has been a very tiring day and I was really exhausted from work. As usual, when I got home, I logged in first to check if there are any comments in any of my posts or any emails from anyone who happened to read my blog while my mum is watching the series of soap opera in the tele. I was lucky enough to have a few comments and so I decided to reply. Honestly, replies and comments in this page really makes me feel that someone is listening… and it is really important for me since I can’t openly talk about my feelings about my condition to anyone.

As I was typing my reply, I noticed that some of the letters in the keyboard were wet. Unknowingly, I was crying. Not again?!? I don’t know but I’m really too emotional this past few days, maybe this is one of the symptoms. =( What triggered my tears to start falling? It was a song from the soap opera, Rubi.

Pansin mo ba ang pagbabago
Di matitigan ang iyong mga mata
Tila di na nananabik
sayong yakap at halik

These lines really struck me. I felt like he was talking to me, explaining, trying to make it easy. Yes, he… babe.

Sana’y malaman mo
Hindi sinsadya
kung ang nais ko ay
maging malaya

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan
Damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nababahala
Bulong ng isip, wag kang pakawalan
Ngunit Puso ko, ay kailangan kang iwan

The song continued and as the song reach it’s climax, same goes for my tears. I was so affected. I just want to turn the tv off but doesn’t have to strength to do so. I feel like he was just at my back, whispering every line of the song. Actually I really think he is behind me… am I…hallucinating?

The scene from the soap opera stopped and so the song did. I’m happy that it did, at least I could already stop crying… but also a part of me wishes for it to still continue… I still want to hear him whisper… even though it really hurts… what he is trying to say…I think I’m starting to go insane… hopefully not.

Text, Lunch and Lies

Posted in lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Let him go…” this is the most common advice that I always get whenever I ask for an advice on what to do regarding my heart problem.  From my boss, to my colleagues to my friends… they want me to let go.  But I don’t want to…I love him.  I’d rather let him break up with me that me breaking up with him… it’s just too hard.  I can’t.

I’m still hoping…. hoping that we could still work this out.  That this is just a test in our relationship and that we will get through this… together, as a couple.  Besides being a medicine student, he is intelligent and caring and with that for sure he is going bounce back from what he is feeling right now.

Until that night, that night when doubt and curiosity ate my mind and I did something really wrong.  Knowing that babe regularly checks his emails.  I a “dummy” account in PlanetRomeo and messaged him.  Introduced who I was and told him that I find him interesting.  Of course, I just made up all the information and details that I told him.  It is my first time to do this and for no reason, I think I’m very good at it.  I slept that night very nervous as I know I did something really wrong and I was really praying that he will not reply.

A week had passed and I receive no reply from him until the second week.  He messaged back saying that he is sorry for not replying immediately since he seldom logs in in that site.  He also said that he is happily in a relationship and that he wanted that clear. I was relieved but was shock when I read the next part of his message.  He gave his ym address and his facebook account so that they could chat there and so that they could keep in touch.  I was saddened by this.  I didn’t get the point of giving your ym and personal email to someone whom you just knew… and in a gay site!  Anyhow, I continued acting and sent him an email in his personal e-mail account.

In my email, I asked him questions that I want to ask him as me, his boyfriend.   I asked him what is he doing in a gay site if he is happy in a relationship.  Though I also pretended that I was curious about his boyfriend and his interests.  Again, I slept that night with a very heavy heart.  I wanted to cry.

The next day, babe’s text became very very minimal.  He only texted me good morning.  I know this is very petty but with what I was feeling last night, I ended up texting him and confronting him.  That night, we talked over the phone and fight some more although it is in a diplomatic way… until the conversation concluded with having a cool off and we’ll just talk over the weekend since we are meeting anyways.  As I dropped the phone, I started to feel the pain… an excruciating pain… I wasn’t able to sleep that night and went to work like a zombie.

Saturday.  We decided to meet for lunch and for the first time, babe was in the restaurant first.  He was smiling.  I was thinking why is he smiling when this is already the end for us.  We ordered and while waiting for food he started to talk.  He handed me his phone and let me read a message.  It was a message meant for me.  In his message he told me that he loves me soo much and that he doesn’t want to break up with me.  I smiled.  I was happy.  After eating, he confessed that he logged on in PlanetRomeo.  I asked why.  He said that someone “interesting” sent him a message and that he got curious so he logged in to read it.  I felt like I was slapped.  Did he just say someone “interesting” in front of my face?  Continuing my acting, I pretended to be upset and curious so I asked what was his message.  He told me honestly.  Then I asked him if he replied, but before answering I told him that if ever he replied, I will really be upset but that will be ok as long as he tell me the truth.  And to my dismay, he lied.  He said, he didn’t replied.  I felt the pain again.  Like someone is stabbing my heart.  He was lying! I wanted to tell him the truth and slap it into his face.  But I composed myself and acted that it was all good so we ended the day happy… little did he know, I was bleeding inside.

I went home that day knowing already that anytime soon, we will break up.  And I have to prepare myself for that… and when that time comes, I don’t want to stop him… like what they said, I have to let him go…