Archive for Planet Romeo

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Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 30, 2010 by iamhivpositive

 

We have different venues on how to release “it”.  My way might be different from yours but in one point, we have to let it out.  I agreed.

A new friend and I were talking over the phone when I suddenly heard the new message alert from Planet Romeo in his background.  I thought, wtf?!?  Yes, we are JUST friends but he has been very vocal about seeing me as a potential partner and after 2 weeks of our almost daily conversation, I’m starting to like him.  That’s why I am not surprised on my reaction when I heard that he has a new message and he just casually continued our conversation as if nothing happened.  But my mood is already ruined, I told him I was really tired and I put down the phone.

We have a lot in common though sometimes, we have little discussion about our beliefs.  Most of the time, we talk about our life as pozzies, our families, our problems, our lovelife, our sex life and what help the government should provide the vampire community.  We would talk for more than 2 hours and would just say goodbye if we are already really sleepy.  And slowly, I look forward to each phone call and conversation we have.  As you can see, I easily get attach to people who showers me with their attention…. to people who make me feel I am important to them.

He messaged me in YM asking me to call back again.  He still wants us to talk some more.  But I’m no longer in the mood to talk that’s why I refused his offer.  Plus the fact that I just arrived from the gym and I was really tired.  He started teasing me that I immediately made “tampo” just because someone messaged him in Planet Romeo.  Yes, I was that obvious that even without me telling, he was able to immediately figure it out.  I honestly replied that yes, I was surprised but I also told him that he is free to do anything he wants since he is single.  I also told him that I realised how childish I was by the way I reacted and that I shouldn’t have done that.  He continued to explain anyway, he said that he doesn’t meet up with anyone that he meet in that site.  He just have cam2cam sessions with them.  He already told me this before during our usual phone conversations… but after telling me that he considers me to be a partner, I somewhat assumed that he will stop these kind of activities.  I told him what I think about it and he answered me that I should understand why he is doing this since we are both poz.  Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with it, it’s just that I thought it’s going to be different… since he said that he likes me.  

He then started asking me about my ways on how I release it.  I told him it’s with my ever loyal left hand, lol.  And he told me that it is no different from what he is doing since I imagine having sex with someone or I watch porn and imagine that as if the porn star was making out with me.  And I battled it out with him by explaining why I think watching porn is different with having cam to cam with someone.  It doesn’t involve a human being who can respond… I don’t know if your getting what I’m trying to say…  and so we discussed about it until I asked him that If ever that we are going to be in a relationship, if he can manage to stop it.  He said he can’t tell because he was never in that situation. 

I surrendered, I told him that honestly, I would like to know him more but I don’t think I can accept it if ever that we are together and he would keep doing the same thing.  He said that love can never be developed over the phone and I agreed.  I told him that I’m not saying that i love him, I made it clear that I am starting to like him.  

Honestly, I don’t know why I am posting this entry… maybe because I’m sad that the romance already ended… or maybe not… I don’t know…

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So Hard

Posted in Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2010 by iamhivpositive

My hands stopped tapping the keyboard.  My mind stopped working.   I was staring blankly on the screen.  Then my tears started to fall.  I can’t stop it.  I just made sure that my sobbing is not heard by anyone since I’m in the office.  After yesterday,  I go to work as a jolly person, the usual “Jun Jun” (yes, you can call me Jun Jun) with a big smile but deep inside I’m dying.  Yes, dying might be a very strong term but honestly that’s what I’m feeling.  I would just sometimes go to the loo and cry so that nobody can see.  They know me as a strong person, so I can’t let them see my that this is eating me.

At home, I would log in to sites and message random people that I like. I  would ask them for a date or to meet up… or even have sex…yes, I was also looking for it since it has been a long time since the last one and you know the reason why. But don’t worry, I ended up not meeting anyone since the “righteous” in me stops me.  I felt like I was rebelling.  The break up caused pain not just to me but also to my ego.  My self esteem really went down.  I felt like no one will like me anymore that’s why I had to prove myself that I’m still “sell-able” (if there is such a word in the market) and the people in those sites did not disappointed me.  There were, not a lot, but several replies from those whom I messaged.  But while I was reading their replies, I was thinking… is this going to be me again?  Isn’t this the reason why I have HIV.  Because of seb’s with strangers?

I closed all the windows and just stare blank in the pc again.  I cried.  I’m lost.  I’m in pain.  I’ m hurt.  And it’s soo hard to try and pretend that you are moving on…

Text, Lunch and Lies

Posted in lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Let him go…” this is the most common advice that I always get whenever I ask for an advice on what to do regarding my heart problem.  From my boss, to my colleagues to my friends… they want me to let go.  But I don’t want to…I love him.  I’d rather let him break up with me that me breaking up with him… it’s just too hard.  I can’t.

I’m still hoping…. hoping that we could still work this out.  That this is just a test in our relationship and that we will get through this… together, as a couple.  Besides being a medicine student, he is intelligent and caring and with that for sure he is going bounce back from what he is feeling right now.

Until that night, that night when doubt and curiosity ate my mind and I did something really wrong.  Knowing that babe regularly checks his emails.  I a “dummy” account in PlanetRomeo and messaged him.  Introduced who I was and told him that I find him interesting.  Of course, I just made up all the information and details that I told him.  It is my first time to do this and for no reason, I think I’m very good at it.  I slept that night very nervous as I know I did something really wrong and I was really praying that he will not reply.

A week had passed and I receive no reply from him until the second week.  He messaged back saying that he is sorry for not replying immediately since he seldom logs in in that site.  He also said that he is happily in a relationship and that he wanted that clear. I was relieved but was shock when I read the next part of his message.  He gave his ym address and his facebook account so that they could chat there and so that they could keep in touch.  I was saddened by this.  I didn’t get the point of giving your ym and personal email to someone whom you just knew… and in a gay site!  Anyhow, I continued acting and sent him an email in his personal e-mail account.

In my email, I asked him questions that I want to ask him as me, his boyfriend.   I asked him what is he doing in a gay site if he is happy in a relationship.  Though I also pretended that I was curious about his boyfriend and his interests.  Again, I slept that night with a very heavy heart.  I wanted to cry.

The next day, babe’s text became very very minimal.  He only texted me good morning.  I know this is very petty but with what I was feeling last night, I ended up texting him and confronting him.  That night, we talked over the phone and fight some more although it is in a diplomatic way… until the conversation concluded with having a cool off and we’ll just talk over the weekend since we are meeting anyways.  As I dropped the phone, I started to feel the pain… an excruciating pain… I wasn’t able to sleep that night and went to work like a zombie.

Saturday.  We decided to meet for lunch and for the first time, babe was in the restaurant first.  He was smiling.  I was thinking why is he smiling when this is already the end for us.  We ordered and while waiting for food he started to talk.  He handed me his phone and let me read a message.  It was a message meant for me.  In his message he told me that he loves me soo much and that he doesn’t want to break up with me.  I smiled.  I was happy.  After eating, he confessed that he logged on in PlanetRomeo.  I asked why.  He said that someone “interesting” sent him a message and that he got curious so he logged in to read it.  I felt like I was slapped.  Did he just say someone “interesting” in front of my face?  Continuing my acting, I pretended to be upset and curious so I asked what was his message.  He told me honestly.  Then I asked him if he replied, but before answering I told him that if ever he replied, I will really be upset but that will be ok as long as he tell me the truth.  And to my dismay, he lied.  He said, he didn’t replied.  I felt the pain again.  Like someone is stabbing my heart.  He was lying! I wanted to tell him the truth and slap it into his face.  But I composed myself and acted that it was all good so we ended the day happy… little did he know, I was bleeding inside.

I went home that day knowing already that anytime soon, we will break up.  And I have to prepare myself for that… and when that time comes, I don’t want to stop him… like what they said, I have to let him go…

love-atory tests

Posted in lovelife, Medical, Personal with tags , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2010 by iamhivpositive

My doctor asked me to undergo several tests to check if I have any other diseases or sickness… I think it’s an SOP that all patients who turned out to be positive to undergo these tests.  I told the doctor that I will be doing them after holy week.

My boyfriend told me that he can accompany me when I do the tests since he is still in Manila and he still has classes…  and I agreed.  I need him to be there, to give me support since he is the only one (besides my friend in Singapore) who knows what I’m positive…  We decided to meet up on a Thursay since that is the only day that he will be free….and as usual I filed a leave from work.

Monday night that week, I decided to log in online and check my mails then a really bad idea came to my mind.  I decided to check mu boyfriend’s account in PlanetRomeo (since we are being cautious for him not to be infected with my HPV, we had an agreement that he can keep his account in that site so that he can download porn for his personal use).  I noticed that that night, he logged in so I was thinking maybe he was horny and needed to release it. haha.   However the next day, it wasn’t so funny anymore.  He was online again and also the night after that…  I started thinking of different possibilities… why is he online every night in that site?  This time, I wasn’t able to control myself and messaged him in facebook since he is online there as well.  I immediately told him what I discovered and told him that I don’t like it.  He just replied to me with a sorry and said that he will try to refrain from using that site already…

The next day, when I opened my eyes my heart was pounding so loud.  I have to talk to him.  I have to be honest that I don’t like what he is doing.  I mean, although I agreed with it yes, but I never expected for him to do it very often… that is still a lair of very evil demons that can ruin our relationship…and I’m not satisfied with his answer last night… his sorry was not enough, I need an explanation…  I don’t know how I was able to get up and prepare but the next thing I know is that my boyfriend and I are having breakfast in a nearby fastfood…

After talking about his friend doctor who I actually think has a hidden desire to him, I once again asked him about the Planet Romeo incident.  He said that he was just downloading porn… I don’t know but I can’t believe that he is telling the truth so I asked further.  “Nagdownload ka ng porn for 3 days straight? like everynight?” He wasn’t able to answer quickly then he slipped and said that he was messaging a friend.  I was shocked, we agreed that he should not message or reply to anyone.  I was hurt.  I felt betrayed.  I asked him what they talked about and he just said “buhay buhay“…”  I was like seriously? You talked about buhay buhay for three nights? but I did not say it since I was deeply hurt.  I just asked him if we could go to the clinic already…

While waiting for the doctor, we waited for almost 2 hours, I asked him again.  I know I’m irritating already but I’m not really happy with his answers.  I asked him again about what they talked about and he just gave the same answer.  He changed the topic by texting the doctor and asking him what time he will arrive.  When the doctor replied that he will arrive after lunch, we decided to have lunch first.  In the cafeteria of the restaurant, I continued probing until I was shocked with the answer he gave… he told me to stop asking already cause I might get hurt if he tells me what they talked about.  I was screaming in my head that time, and what do you think you are doing to me now?  aren’t you hurting me?

Back in the waiting area of the clinic, I asked him the very same question when I asked him when I told him the result of my HIV screening… “Kaya mu pa ba?  baka kasi nagsink in na sayo ngayon ang mga nangyayari at naisip mu na kung anu talaga gusto mu…” he was quiet.  I asked again, “Do you want to explore and look for someone else?” still… no answer.  After a few quiet minutes, he opened his mouth and answered that yes, it is finally sinking in and that it’s just now that he feels that there is something missing with our relationship and that is sex.  He explained that it is only normal for him to look for it because he is young and I understand that.  That’s why I told him that I do understand and that’s why I’m asking him if he wants to look for someone else already.  I told him I can feel that it is also hard for him and that I will understand if he decided to go look for someone else… he was quiet again… and atlast he answered...”I don’t want to risk it babe, I mean sex is important but overall I’m happy with our relationship… if I look for someone else, I’m sure I will not be able to find someone like you… so I will stay….