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Pride and Secrets

Posted in friends, HIV, Personal, pozzie life with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2010 by iamhivpositive

It’s time. I told myself…

My friend, Madam, and I were walking along T. Morato when I suddenly felt the urge of telling him about my status. It was just so timely, it was gay pride and the theme is World Aids Day. I took a deep breath and tried to open my mouth but the words did not come out. I was… scared?

Madam is going to the States hopefully by next year and he told me that he is quite nervous about the medical examination that he is going to have. I asked him why and he said that the medical examination is ok, but he is dreading the HIV test! I asked why again and asked him if there are any possible risks that he might turn out positive. He said yes.

In the event, they was a van were rapid HIV testing is being conducted and I asked him if he would like to have it right there. He said no, he said he’s scared. I told him, it’s going to be alright and that I am going to be there with him, I even lied that I had mine just 2 weeks ago and there is totally nothing to be scared about. For the 3rd time, he said he was scared… I asked him why is he scared and he told me that he doesn’t know how he will react if ever that it turns out positive… Seeing the expression in his face stopped me from pushing in taking the test.

Our other friend, Hotelier, sent us a message informing that he is already in our meeting place. Yep, we decided to meet up and go out after I joined my first ever Gay Pride as part of the Yoga For Life contingent. He joined us in a bit and we decided to head to Starbucks. After ordering we took the table near the entrance so we could also see what’s going on outside. Madam started talking about an ex boyfriend who is trying to win him back after his long disappearance until we ended up talking about HIV again.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me but I suddenly blurted it out to both of them. They thought I was kidding then when they saw that I was serious, they became quiet and looked at me. The two of them have different reaction, Madam was a slightly emotional whilst hotelier was just very cool about it – I think. I explained to them everything, told them the story from the very beginning. How it all started. They were just listening… and I appreciated that. I even felt like crying. Madam tried to inject some humor in our very serious conversation to lighten it up a bit. I also smiled.

Our conversation ended with them asking me to go to a videoke and just belt it all out… which I did. I am happy that I have two more friends who accepted me wholeheartedly without judging me. I am happy that they support me and treats me the same. I am happy because I was able to talk about it again. I was happy that I am slowly becoming more open about it to the people around me. I am happy that night…

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Sparks Missing…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I am worried. Yes, I can also say that I was a little bit scared that time. He was driving continuously and just ignores me whenever I ask him about our destination. Until finally, when we stopped because of the stoplight, he looked at me and told me to just trust him…

Honestly, now that it has been days since this incident happened, I don’t really think that he was going to do something bad towards me that night… let’s just say that I was thinking too much that time… I was paranoid…

The road that we are taking started to get steeper and steeper… I felt that we are climbing a mountain… I looked outside of the window and finally, I was able to see some signs from the stores that we are passing by… we are actually heading to Antipolo. Gosh! I never imagined that night that I am going to Antipolo… I just shut my mouth and just continued to wait until we finally reached our destination.

“Dito na tayo…” he said. As he pulled over to an empty space in a car park near the edge of I think is a cliff.

My jaw dropped when I saw the view. I can see the whole city from where I am seating. It was amazing! (Yes, it was my first time to see that kind of sight from Antipolo… I guess you can call me, ignorant…lol).

He started searching something from his pocket and asked me if I have the lighter that we bought from the convenience store. I searched my pockets as well but I wasn’t able to find any. His expression changed and I can see that he was disappointed. He reached for something at the back of his car. It was a cake! I was surprised… I was overwhelmed with all that he prepared for this day. He apologized for missing the lighter, he was supposed to light a candle and will ask me to make a wish. I said it’s all good. It was more than enough. He made this day, special enough… worth remembering.

We stepped out of his car and decided to go to an empty space where we can see the view clearly. It was dark and cold… the cool air from the mountains makes me chill… as I look into the other side, I saw tiny lights from the city… they are so small that they can pass as stars from where I am standing… I took a deep breathe as I am overwhelmed with the view, it was just so… romantic? perfect? … or it was a moment of appreciation… appreciate that I am still alive and was given a chance to see this view… call me drama queen and all… but that’s what I really feel…

He held my hand… and I let him. We appreciated the view together until we decided to head back to the car. Once we were able to sit comfortably again, he started telling me sweet nothings and he’s hoping that we will still be together to celebrate my birthday next year.

Then it struck me. The word – “together”. Yes, that moment, I searched my heart for what I am feeling towards him. I like him alright, he’s nice and very much a boyfriend material… but I didn’t feel any spark. Yes, that elusive spark!

He came closer and with his movement, he was implying that he wanted to kiss me. Right! A kiss! A kiss might bring the spark so I allowed him. As his face comes closer to mine, I closed my eyes and opened my heart… hoping that this will ignite the spark that I need.

His lips were soft and he kissed very sweet. After that, I tried to search my feelings once again… and still there’s nothing… And with that said… I had a dilemma… This is our 2nd date and the 1st date is no different with the 2nd. I didn’t feel any romantic connection…

I looked at him after we kissed and he smiled… a hopeful smile… a smile that I know, will soon be erased once I tell him what I actually feel…

Travel!

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts, travel with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2010 by iamhivpositive

If there is one thing that I would really love to do but can’t, besides going back to school, it will have to be traveling. Believe it or not, I haven’t been anywhere outside Metro Manila ever since I was in High School? Except of course when we have team buildings in Pansol, Laguna or in Puerto Galera, but whenever we have that, it’s still more of work and less of relaxation. I would want to just travel and just relax… or just have some personal time to think and reflect…

A friend from Canada who just arrived here in the Philippines went to the office and told me that she is planning to go to Boracay. She saw an ad in the internet and is recruiting some more people to join her so that they can avail of the very affordable promo rate. I got excited, I’ve never been to Boracay myself and would want to go there for a holiday! I told her I’m in and she asked me to recruit 2 more since we need to be 4 in the group to avail the package. I did not waste my time and immediately asked some friends and even on Facebook. In just a matter of 2 hours, we’re complete!

Next day, there was a message in my facebook inbox from my friend that she found a better offer, same rate but instead of going to the crowded and busy Boracay, it’s going to be the jaw dropping and relaxing Coron, Palawan. (sorry bout the adjectives, lol) The reason why I said yes to her when she offered this trip to me was because of the destination. I really wanted to go to Boracay… after all, I heard a lot of stories meeting their soul mates in that lovely place. After a little bit of convincing and showing me of the breath taking pictures in Coron, I agreed. It’s a deal and we are leaving by the end of the year…

I’m happy that somehow I already made a start with my plan of traveling. Coron, is a good 1st destination and I just have to make sure that I’ll bring a camera, sun block and enjoy! Hopefully next year I could do this again… no, I will definitely do this again! Who knows I might even go outside of the country since I have been out of the country yet… =)

I think it would really be nice to see other places… beautiful places, meet people, experience other culture and also rediscover myself… so that before I finally close my eyes, I will be filled with beautiful picturesque images of the places I’ve gone to and memories… I won’t let what’s in me to stop me from traveling and experiencing everything that is out there… I’m ready to pack my bags and start moving….

23

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2010 by iamhivpositive

The countdown started… 27 days to go before my birthday. Yep, I’m turning 23 in a few weeks time and I’m HIV positive.

This year has been very eventful… I dated a lot of guys, had lots of sex, met a lot of wonderful guys, fell in love, was in a relationship thinking, finding out I have genital warts, being admitted in the hospital alone, went under the knife 2x to have the warts removed, found out I have HIV, learned yoga, learned to love myself more now and so on and so on…

A lot of people will be disappointed if ever they knew that in the age of 22, I’m already a pozzie. Some people might even stay away from me and judge me because of it. But right now, I don’t care. Not that I’m proud of it, but I know myself… and I fully accept the new me. And I know the real story… I’m turning 1 year older and I’m stronger, more optimistic and has a lot of love to give… and with that, I believe that is more that just being a young adult living with HIV… it makes me… me…

My trainees asks me, what do I want to happen in my next year… I answered with strong and healthy body, happiness, peace and serenity… corny no? Maybe if they asked me last year I would say, I want to have a laptop, the latest gadget, a car, a fat savings account, lots of boys, a hot boyfriend… not that I don’t want it anymore, let’s just say my priorities changed… I changed…

This year has taught me a lot of lessons in life… and I learned it in a very hard way… I stumbled this year, stumbled really bad, but as cliche as it may sound, it doesn’t matter how hard you hit the ground, it’s how you stand up and try to walk again that would define you as a man…

Again, a few weeks from now, im turning 23… and I have HIV…

Late!

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , on September 29, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I woke up early that Saturday even though I went home late that night. My eyes were still hurting and I’m really struggling to open them. I felt like I have a headache due to lack of sleep, I was also dizzy. I looked for my phone and check the time from there, it was 645am. I don’t know what woke me up but I can’t manage to go back to sleep so there’s no option but to wake up. Even though my eyes were revolting, I forced myself to go to the sink and wash my face. The cold water from the faucet somehow sparked my still sleeping consciousness.

I don’t have anything to do that day but just to attend the class after lunch. Usually, the thought of attending the class jazzes me up but because of the dizziness, I feel otherwise. As lunch is fastly approaching, I felt lazier… and lazier… until I realized that “he” might also be attending the class today. That thought made me jump off my feet and start moving. First agenda, pedicure! My toe nails are too long already and it starting to look nasty so I decided to visit my pedicurist. My toes has too look their best as there is a chance that he might sit beside me this time and might see my toes. Hehehe… though I know that it’s not even a guarantee that he will attend the class today, I have to be ready.

After lunch, I went to Makati earlier than I used to and just decided to wait there until the class starts. I was sitting on the couch outside the room while listening to Good Girls Go Bad. One by one, participants started arriving until we were about to start. I can’t stop myself from searching the room and looking at the door… waiting if he is going to arrive. And when we were about to start, there he was, rushing through the door.

I sighed… then smiled.

The Newcomer

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life with tags , , , , , , on September 23, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Rain drops started to fall from the sky one by one. I can almost hear every drop from the outside. In a few minutes, we are going to start and I’m preparing myself for this session. I closed my eyes and started to listen to my breathing…

In less than a minute after starting what I’m doing, I noticed that suddenly it became dark and can’t help but open my eyes. The ray of light from the door that usually touches my face during practice was covered by a silhouette of 2 people hugging. It was the teachers and a new comer. After their tight hug, the new comer scanned the room quickly with his eyes and caught mine. I smiled. It was my way of saying “welcome” to the class… I didn’t know if he smiled back as I got embarrassed and looked away. I felt my blood rushed to my face… was I red? I was…blushing.

And so the class started and all through out I was distracted. I wasn’t able to concentrate that day. How can this stranger have this effect on me? Why do I startle when I feel that he looks in my direction? My mind was a chaos… my heart was happy. I feel like my heart is being tickled. A tickle that unconsciously makes me smile and for sure anyone who would see me would think that I’m crazy.

I tried to get my head straight on… I think the teacher noticed my distraction that he goes to where I am and corrects what I’m doing. I didn’t mind him correcting me… I need it. I need someone to tell me to focus. Focus on what I’m doing and not focus on what he is doing. “FOCUS!” I told myself.

After almost 2 hours of sweating our butts off, we were ready to call it a day. I went to the loo and change my clothes. While changing, I stopped and looked in the mirror for awhile, I smiled. After almost 5 months, here I am… crushing over someone again… I continued with packing my stuff and after I finished I went out and wore my shoes. When everyone was ready, we all left together… while walking someone tapped my back, I wondered who it was and when I look back, it was him…

Crush

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , on September 19, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I feel like I’m a teenager all over again…

Do you remember when you had a crush with someone at school?
When you try your best not to mess up whenever your crush around? When you try to hide your face when he smiles at you for him not to see your blushing?
When you always make an effort to look good to leave a nice impression?
When you make sure to read a lot so that you have something to talk about when he starts a conversation with you?
When you can’t sleep at night thinking what is he doing?
When you get kilig whenever he texts you?
and get sad when it’s the opposite…
When you ask that person a lot of questions about him to make sure you know every bit of information?
When you always smile out of nowhere when you think of that person?
When you are soo inspired to study/work because your happy?
When you are always soo looking forward to that day that you are going to see him….

haaayy…