Archive for seb

Like A Virgin

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, sex, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I don’t know how to start this post but all I want to say is that I’m scared of getting laid again.  Whew! There.  I said it already.

This morning, I was blog hopping (pozzie blogs) when I noticed that there were a few post about their sexcapades, of course it was not written in full details.  I smiled.  I always feel happy whenever I read these posts of them as it makes me “re-believe” that I am normal and that I can still pretty much do what others can do.  But it’s different today… I was more of feeling… envious?

Yes, I think I envy them…. nah, I do envy them…for having sex… of course safe sex….  I don’t know why I’m feeling this when I know that I can do it too… it’s just that I won’t.  I’m scared.  Scared that I might infect other people with what I have even though it’s safe.  I wish I’m like them.  Not that no one asks me to do it but whenever I say yes, it would come to a point where I would get flash backs about my surgery, me finding out I was poz and I would suddenly get scared and back out in the last minute.  Sad thing is, I can’t even explain why I backed out… rude, eh?   I also don’t know if I have to tell my partner (sex partner for that matter) or should I just keep it to myself but would insist in using condoms.    I don’t know, I’m scared…  Actually just writing this post makes me a bit shaky, good thing I don’t have to use a pen or you will not be able to read this.

It has been more or less 6-7 months since the last time I had sex.  Yes, even when babe and I were still together, we didn’t have sex.  We were contented with just cuddling and playing, touching one another but that’s just about it.  Bed time na!  We were both scared that he might get my little friends and during the latter part, HIV… He was even scared of kissing me… I think.

Oh well, that’s why I think it’s becoming an issue to me now.  It has been half a year since the last time.  Me, having no sex life… because I’m a coward.  I know that my helping hand is always ready but I know you know how different it is when you can feel someone else’s body heat.  Haaay….

I envy them.  I really envy them.  I know that I am the only one who can also save my problem since I am the problem.  Me, being scared.  I don’t know until when I will be haunted by these thoughts but until then, I will always feel like a virgin…

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Camera Show

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 30, 2010 by iamhivpositive

 

We have different venues on how to release “it”.  My way might be different from yours but in one point, we have to let it out.  I agreed.

A new friend and I were talking over the phone when I suddenly heard the new message alert from Planet Romeo in his background.  I thought, wtf?!?  Yes, we are JUST friends but he has been very vocal about seeing me as a potential partner and after 2 weeks of our almost daily conversation, I’m starting to like him.  That’s why I am not surprised on my reaction when I heard that he has a new message and he just casually continued our conversation as if nothing happened.  But my mood is already ruined, I told him I was really tired and I put down the phone.

We have a lot in common though sometimes, we have little discussion about our beliefs.  Most of the time, we talk about our life as pozzies, our families, our problems, our lovelife, our sex life and what help the government should provide the vampire community.  We would talk for more than 2 hours and would just say goodbye if we are already really sleepy.  And slowly, I look forward to each phone call and conversation we have.  As you can see, I easily get attach to people who showers me with their attention…. to people who make me feel I am important to them.

He messaged me in YM asking me to call back again.  He still wants us to talk some more.  But I’m no longer in the mood to talk that’s why I refused his offer.  Plus the fact that I just arrived from the gym and I was really tired.  He started teasing me that I immediately made “tampo” just because someone messaged him in Planet Romeo.  Yes, I was that obvious that even without me telling, he was able to immediately figure it out.  I honestly replied that yes, I was surprised but I also told him that he is free to do anything he wants since he is single.  I also told him that I realised how childish I was by the way I reacted and that I shouldn’t have done that.  He continued to explain anyway, he said that he doesn’t meet up with anyone that he meet in that site.  He just have cam2cam sessions with them.  He already told me this before during our usual phone conversations… but after telling me that he considers me to be a partner, I somewhat assumed that he will stop these kind of activities.  I told him what I think about it and he answered me that I should understand why he is doing this since we are both poz.  Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with it, it’s just that I thought it’s going to be different… since he said that he likes me.  

He then started asking me about my ways on how I release it.  I told him it’s with my ever loyal left hand, lol.  And he told me that it is no different from what he is doing since I imagine having sex with someone or I watch porn and imagine that as if the porn star was making out with me.  And I battled it out with him by explaining why I think watching porn is different with having cam to cam with someone.  It doesn’t involve a human being who can respond… I don’t know if your getting what I’m trying to say…  and so we discussed about it until I asked him that If ever that we are going to be in a relationship, if he can manage to stop it.  He said he can’t tell because he was never in that situation. 

I surrendered, I told him that honestly, I would like to know him more but I don’t think I can accept it if ever that we are together and he would keep doing the same thing.  He said that love can never be developed over the phone and I agreed.  I told him that I’m not saying that i love him, I made it clear that I am starting to like him.  

Honestly, I don’t know why I am posting this entry… maybe because I’m sad that the romance already ended… or maybe not… I don’t know…

Revenge

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Whenever I check mails online, I just let my YM open/available so that if there is anyone who would like to chat and ask a question I’m ready to answer. So while surfing the net, an IM was sent to me. It was from someone who is not on my contact list and the message was the usual, Hi! Hello!. Like other people who messages me, he was curious about how I got it, from whom, what I felt and so on and so forth. I was already about to instruct him to read my blog, for him to know everything I am feeling when he asked me something…

Di mu ba naiisip gumanti?”

It took me awhile to reply… I never thought of having a revenge to anyone… I searched my heart if there is any space for such feeling but there is none. I just don’t think that I have to. It’s all my fault anyways. If I could have been smarter and more careful before that I don’t have HIV now. So I replied back with a simple “no”.

Sa totoo lang tayo pare, alam naman nating gusto mung gumanti?

I was a bit surprised with his reply. He didn’t believe me though I honestly answered his question. Like I always do, there’s no point in lying anymore. I replied back with a smiley… then I told him that honestly, I don’t really feel that I need to and I am too busy keeping myself healthy to think about that stuff. I also told him that there is no point in having a revenge since I don’t blame anyone for what happened to me but myself. Second, who will the target of my revenge? the one who gave me this? Common sense, he already has it too so it is going to be useless… Third, why would I want to spread the virus to other people? They didn’t do anything.

He sent a sharp reply… “Kung ako kasi yan, patay lahat sakin sa Romeo, hahawahan ko sila… damay damay na to… buti na lang non-reactive ako

“Buti na nga lang”, I told myself. I was very sad with his reply. I can’t believe that this person is actually thinking of spreading the virus if ever he turned out positive. I told him that it will be reckless to do that. That only people who doesn’t use their brains would do such a thing. I explained to him that no one dies of HIV. That HIV’s target is the immune system thus it makes you vulnerable to other opportunistic diseases which he can also get if he is going to have his revenge if ever. I told him that doing that might even make his life shorter.

“Di ako makapaniwala na may tao pang gaya mo… sa panahon ngayon, mga santo at santa na lang ang mababait at mga bayani na lang ang pinapatayuan ng monumento….” he replied then logged off.

I was left in front of the PC hanging. I still want to convince him not to do it if ever, but I guess there are people like him, who will not be able to accept the truth of being positive if ever. I just wish he never turns out positive, that he starts using protection. And I really pray that people who goes for casual sex will come into their senses and use condoms. A friend always tell me… People know what condoms are for, they just don’t want to use it and blames other people saying that they are not aware of HIV…

So Hard

Posted in Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2010 by iamhivpositive

My hands stopped tapping the keyboard.  My mind stopped working.   I was staring blankly on the screen.  Then my tears started to fall.  I can’t stop it.  I just made sure that my sobbing is not heard by anyone since I’m in the office.  After yesterday,  I go to work as a jolly person, the usual “Jun Jun” (yes, you can call me Jun Jun) with a big smile but deep inside I’m dying.  Yes, dying might be a very strong term but honestly that’s what I’m feeling.  I would just sometimes go to the loo and cry so that nobody can see.  They know me as a strong person, so I can’t let them see my that this is eating me.

At home, I would log in to sites and message random people that I like. I  would ask them for a date or to meet up… or even have sex…yes, I was also looking for it since it has been a long time since the last one and you know the reason why. But don’t worry, I ended up not meeting anyone since the “righteous” in me stops me.  I felt like I was rebelling.  The break up caused pain not just to me but also to my ego.  My self esteem really went down.  I felt like no one will like me anymore that’s why I had to prove myself that I’m still “sell-able” (if there is such a word in the market) and the people in those sites did not disappointed me.  There were, not a lot, but several replies from those whom I messaged.  But while I was reading their replies, I was thinking… is this going to be me again?  Isn’t this the reason why I have HIV.  Because of seb’s with strangers?

I closed all the windows and just stare blank in the pc again.  I cried.  I’m lost.  I’m in pain.  I’ m hurt.  And it’s soo hard to try and pretend that you are moving on…

A Christmas Carol

Posted in lovelife with tags , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Our first movie date

It was a very lazy evening so I decided to surf the net.  Yes, when I say surf the net, it includes checking gay social networking sites and checking my mails… and males!

Whilst browsing, a pop up box appeared on my screen telling me that I have a new message and if  I want to read it.  Of course, I clicked yes and read through the senders message.  The sender was asking me how was my evening and he also complimented me with my looks. =)  I replied by saying it was a very boring night.   He then replied back by asking me if I want to watch a movie that night.  As bored as I was, I said yes.

We decided to meet up in a shopping centre near our area, it was almost 9’ish and the mall is about to close.  Good thing I was able to arrive in the meeting place before the security of the mall prevents people from coming in.  I waited for a few minutes because the sender was still not there.  After a while, there is this cute chinky tall guy who approached me and if I was —-.  I gave him a smile and I said yes, then followed him to the ticket booth.   While walking, there were lots of things in my mind.  He looks better in person than in the picture.  He is medium built, tall and has a fair complexion.  He also looks well educated.  He asked me what movie do I want to see and I just told him any.  He then suggested if we could watch A Christmas Carol since it is his favourite novel since childhood and of course I agreed.  Since it was already late, we are going to watch the last full show and we still have approximately an hour to spare before the movie starts.

He asked me if I would like to go to his pad first since he lives in the condominium in that mall as well.  I said yes thinking that this will be our chance to do a little bit of hanky panky.  His pad is very cozy, it was very welcoming and calming as far as I can remember.  We sat in the couch and we just chatted, yes, we JUST chatted.  I think it’s because I like him that’s why I don’t want to do things that would turn him off and not ask for a second meet up.  Also, I don’t want for him to think that I’m easy.  Before we went to the cinema again, I decided to atleast give him a hug and it send chills to my spine.

In the cinema, I wasn’t really focusing in the movie, my attention was all in him.  Any slight movement  that he makes, I look at him.  Thinking that he might want to kiss me or hold my hands while watching.  The movie was about to finish by the time that we actually held hands, he looked at me and he smiled.  Again, I felt chills.  When the movie ended,  I decided to go home but he asked me if  I would want to stay in his pad for a few minutes since it was still quite early, it was already 11:30 that time.

Once again, we sat in their couch and talked but this time, our hands are together and we can feel that we are really into each other.   We talked about our lives, our past, what type of guys do we date and so forth.  I decided to leave already when he mentioned that he still has a class the next day and I have work.  I decided to give him a smack on the lips in which he replied.

As I was on the cab going home, I knew that that night, was definitely a good night.