Archive for sex

Like A Virgin

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, sex, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I don’t know how to start this post but all I want to say is that I’m scared of getting laid again.  Whew! There.  I said it already.

This morning, I was blog hopping (pozzie blogs) when I noticed that there were a few post about their sexcapades, of course it was not written in full details.  I smiled.  I always feel happy whenever I read these posts of them as it makes me “re-believe” that I am normal and that I can still pretty much do what others can do.  But it’s different today… I was more of feeling… envious?

Yes, I think I envy them…. nah, I do envy them…for having sex… of course safe sex….  I don’t know why I’m feeling this when I know that I can do it too… it’s just that I won’t.  I’m scared.  Scared that I might infect other people with what I have even though it’s safe.  I wish I’m like them.  Not that no one asks me to do it but whenever I say yes, it would come to a point where I would get flash backs about my surgery, me finding out I was poz and I would suddenly get scared and back out in the last minute.  Sad thing is, I can’t even explain why I backed out… rude, eh?   I also don’t know if I have to tell my partner (sex partner for that matter) or should I just keep it to myself but would insist in using condoms.    I don’t know, I’m scared…  Actually just writing this post makes me a bit shaky, good thing I don’t have to use a pen or you will not be able to read this.

It has been more or less 6-7 months since the last time I had sex.  Yes, even when babe and I were still together, we didn’t have sex.  We were contented with just cuddling and playing, touching one another but that’s just about it.  Bed time na!  We were both scared that he might get my little friends and during the latter part, HIV… He was even scared of kissing me… I think.

Oh well, that’s why I think it’s becoming an issue to me now.  It has been half a year since the last time.  Me, having no sex life… because I’m a coward.  I know that my helping hand is always ready but I know you know how different it is when you can feel someone else’s body heat.  Haaay….

I envy them.  I really envy them.  I know that I am the only one who can also save my problem since I am the problem.  Me, being scared.  I don’t know until when I will be haunted by these thoughts but until then, I will always feel like a virgin…

Camera Show

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 30, 2010 by iamhivpositive

 

We have different venues on how to release “it”.  My way might be different from yours but in one point, we have to let it out.  I agreed.

A new friend and I were talking over the phone when I suddenly heard the new message alert from Planet Romeo in his background.  I thought, wtf?!?  Yes, we are JUST friends but he has been very vocal about seeing me as a potential partner and after 2 weeks of our almost daily conversation, I’m starting to like him.  That’s why I am not surprised on my reaction when I heard that he has a new message and he just casually continued our conversation as if nothing happened.  But my mood is already ruined, I told him I was really tired and I put down the phone.

We have a lot in common though sometimes, we have little discussion about our beliefs.  Most of the time, we talk about our life as pozzies, our families, our problems, our lovelife, our sex life and what help the government should provide the vampire community.  We would talk for more than 2 hours and would just say goodbye if we are already really sleepy.  And slowly, I look forward to each phone call and conversation we have.  As you can see, I easily get attach to people who showers me with their attention…. to people who make me feel I am important to them.

He messaged me in YM asking me to call back again.  He still wants us to talk some more.  But I’m no longer in the mood to talk that’s why I refused his offer.  Plus the fact that I just arrived from the gym and I was really tired.  He started teasing me that I immediately made “tampo” just because someone messaged him in Planet Romeo.  Yes, I was that obvious that even without me telling, he was able to immediately figure it out.  I honestly replied that yes, I was surprised but I also told him that he is free to do anything he wants since he is single.  I also told him that I realised how childish I was by the way I reacted and that I shouldn’t have done that.  He continued to explain anyway, he said that he doesn’t meet up with anyone that he meet in that site.  He just have cam2cam sessions with them.  He already told me this before during our usual phone conversations… but after telling me that he considers me to be a partner, I somewhat assumed that he will stop these kind of activities.  I told him what I think about it and he answered me that I should understand why he is doing this since we are both poz.  Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with it, it’s just that I thought it’s going to be different… since he said that he likes me.  

He then started asking me about my ways on how I release it.  I told him it’s with my ever loyal left hand, lol.  And he told me that it is no different from what he is doing since I imagine having sex with someone or I watch porn and imagine that as if the porn star was making out with me.  And I battled it out with him by explaining why I think watching porn is different with having cam to cam with someone.  It doesn’t involve a human being who can respond… I don’t know if your getting what I’m trying to say…  and so we discussed about it until I asked him that If ever that we are going to be in a relationship, if he can manage to stop it.  He said he can’t tell because he was never in that situation. 

I surrendered, I told him that honestly, I would like to know him more but I don’t think I can accept it if ever that we are together and he would keep doing the same thing.  He said that love can never be developed over the phone and I agreed.  I told him that I’m not saying that i love him, I made it clear that I am starting to like him.  

Honestly, I don’t know why I am posting this entry… maybe because I’m sad that the romance already ended… or maybe not… I don’t know…

Revenge

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Whenever I check mails online, I just let my YM open/available so that if there is anyone who would like to chat and ask a question I’m ready to answer. So while surfing the net, an IM was sent to me. It was from someone who is not on my contact list and the message was the usual, Hi! Hello!. Like other people who messages me, he was curious about how I got it, from whom, what I felt and so on and so forth. I was already about to instruct him to read my blog, for him to know everything I am feeling when he asked me something…

Di mu ba naiisip gumanti?”

It took me awhile to reply… I never thought of having a revenge to anyone… I searched my heart if there is any space for such feeling but there is none. I just don’t think that I have to. It’s all my fault anyways. If I could have been smarter and more careful before that I don’t have HIV now. So I replied back with a simple “no”.

Sa totoo lang tayo pare, alam naman nating gusto mung gumanti?

I was a bit surprised with his reply. He didn’t believe me though I honestly answered his question. Like I always do, there’s no point in lying anymore. I replied back with a smiley… then I told him that honestly, I don’t really feel that I need to and I am too busy keeping myself healthy to think about that stuff. I also told him that there is no point in having a revenge since I don’t blame anyone for what happened to me but myself. Second, who will the target of my revenge? the one who gave me this? Common sense, he already has it too so it is going to be useless… Third, why would I want to spread the virus to other people? They didn’t do anything.

He sent a sharp reply… “Kung ako kasi yan, patay lahat sakin sa Romeo, hahawahan ko sila… damay damay na to… buti na lang non-reactive ako

“Buti na nga lang”, I told myself. I was very sad with his reply. I can’t believe that this person is actually thinking of spreading the virus if ever he turned out positive. I told him that it will be reckless to do that. That only people who doesn’t use their brains would do such a thing. I explained to him that no one dies of HIV. That HIV’s target is the immune system thus it makes you vulnerable to other opportunistic diseases which he can also get if he is going to have his revenge if ever. I told him that doing that might even make his life shorter.

“Di ako makapaniwala na may tao pang gaya mo… sa panahon ngayon, mga santo at santa na lang ang mababait at mga bayani na lang ang pinapatayuan ng monumento….” he replied then logged off.

I was left in front of the PC hanging. I still want to convince him not to do it if ever, but I guess there are people like him, who will not be able to accept the truth of being positive if ever. I just wish he never turns out positive, that he starts using protection. And I really pray that people who goes for casual sex will come into their senses and use condoms. A friend always tell me… People know what condoms are for, they just don’t want to use it and blames other people saying that they are not aware of HIV…

So Hard

Posted in Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2010 by iamhivpositive

My hands stopped tapping the keyboard.  My mind stopped working.   I was staring blankly on the screen.  Then my tears started to fall.  I can’t stop it.  I just made sure that my sobbing is not heard by anyone since I’m in the office.  After yesterday,  I go to work as a jolly person, the usual “Jun Jun” (yes, you can call me Jun Jun) with a big smile but deep inside I’m dying.  Yes, dying might be a very strong term but honestly that’s what I’m feeling.  I would just sometimes go to the loo and cry so that nobody can see.  They know me as a strong person, so I can’t let them see my that this is eating me.

At home, I would log in to sites and message random people that I like. I  would ask them for a date or to meet up… or even have sex…yes, I was also looking for it since it has been a long time since the last one and you know the reason why. But don’t worry, I ended up not meeting anyone since the “righteous” in me stops me.  I felt like I was rebelling.  The break up caused pain not just to me but also to my ego.  My self esteem really went down.  I felt like no one will like me anymore that’s why I had to prove myself that I’m still “sell-able” (if there is such a word in the market) and the people in those sites did not disappointed me.  There were, not a lot, but several replies from those whom I messaged.  But while I was reading their replies, I was thinking… is this going to be me again?  Isn’t this the reason why I have HIV.  Because of seb’s with strangers?

I closed all the windows and just stare blank in the pc again.  I cried.  I’m lost.  I’m in pain.  I’ m hurt.  And it’s soo hard to try and pretend that you are moving on…

I Understand

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , on May 30, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Ever since I met “babe” (I realised that we need to give him a name or call him something, so that will be his name from now on) I already know that he is a busy person.  That most of the time, he will be busy studying since he is taking up medicine.  Since then, I told myself that I should be more understanding…

However he proved me wrong… One thing that I really liked about him is that whenever if it’s me who is inviting him, he always makes an effort to make time.  There would be times wherein, I would meet him after work (that’s 11pm-12 midnight) and we would just sit in the coffee shop and he would study.  Yes, this is our usual date before.  Even though, some of you might think it’s boring, for me it was really special.  I appreciate the fact that he is trying to multitask, to study and at the same time to spend time with me.  After a month, we decided to become a couple.

April.  I was tested positive for HIV.  It feels like everything changed though he insists that there I am wrong.  He texts not that often anymore, his excuse was he is busy but does it take you a whole day to send 1 text message?  There were instances when we have a date, and I still need to call him to wake him up when I’m already in the meeting place in the agreed meeting time.  He would say  I should understand since I know his busy.  But we planned this not just yesterday but 3 days before to make sure that he is free.  He would say he was post-duty.  But his duty ended 7am and we are meeting for dinner.  He has lots of excuses and I always… understand.

I can tell that after telling him the truth,the way he looked at me changed.  From being clingy and always wanting to be with me…his interest towards me became less.   He doesn’t even want to give me an open mouth kiss.  Our love making session became one way. Even though he tells me he trusts me that I’m not going to do anything to harm him, he wouldn’t want to sleep with me naked.  Even though its hard for me to take… I…. understand.

It’s frustrating me cause even though I want to demand for him to change, that even though I want to be upset whenever he turns his back when I ask, even though whenever I would try to kiss he would seal his lips…. I can’t…I can’t blame him…. I understand.

Number 2

Posted in Medical with tags , , , , , , on May 12, 2010 by iamhivpositive

It all started with a night of unprotected sex.  I don’t know with who or when I got it, all I know now it’s already in my body.

Early last year, as I was washing after making a dump, I felt something in my behind.  There was a soft flesh like thing that I was able to feel.  Thinking that it was just a left over, I tried watering and removing it until it got painful.  After drying up, I immediately grab a mirror and went back to the loo to check what it is and I was shocked with what I saw.  There was a wart in my behind! It was very tiny and unnoticeable that even I had a hard time before I was finally able to figure what it is.  Unaware what it really was, I ignored it thinking that it’ll be gone in a few days.  Besides, I just had the most amazing sex the night before so who cares what it was.  I am in demand right now and I don’t have any time to sprare thinking of what it was. And I was right; it was gone after a month…

At the end of the year, I, once again felt something different in my anus while cleaning it.  This time, it’s not just one, not two but there were several warts in my anus.  I got really scared this time and I decided to go and see a doctor.  I was diagnosed with Genital warts.  The doctor immediately scheduled me for an operation since it is the fastest way to remove it and to avoid it from spreading all over my anus.  That weekend, I had the operation and thank God it was all gone.  The doctor prescribed me pain killers and anti-biotics with high dosage so that I will not feel any pain while my wound is healing.  And he was right, I never felt the slightest pain that was brought by the operation.   The doctor told me that there is no assurance that the warts are not gonna come back since the virus can’t be cured.  We just have to wait until my body gets immune to it and all of the symptoms to disappear.  However, because of the operation that he just did to me, according to the doctor, it is much likely for it not to appear anymore since he made sure that no wart was left.  I felt relieved…

I was very happy that I will be able to celebrate my birthday and Christmas healthy… and with no worries in my mind…