Archive for thoughts

Sa Parking Lot

Posted in lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , on November 24, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Tanga. Yan siguro ang tawag sakin dahil gagawin ko ang gagawin ko ngayon.

Lahat ay handa ng umalis at naghihintay na lang ng elevator pababa. Medjo maliit lang ang elevator sa gusaling yaon kaya’t di lahat ay nakasakay sa unang elevator na nagbukas. Kaming dalawa ay nakabilang sa mga naunang nakasaky. Tahimik lang ang lahat marahil ay pagod o di kaya ay wala lang talagang mapagusapan. Isa isang nagbabaan sa iba’t ibang palapag ang iba pa naming kasama hangga’t sa kaming dalawa na lang ang natira sa loob. Ilang sandali pa at muling bumukas ang elevator at kami ay lumabas na rin mula rito.

Inimbitahan niya ako na sumabay na lang sa kanya at ihahatid niya ako sa pinakamalapit na sakayan dahil malakas ang ulan sa labas. Tumanggi pa ako nung una dahil sa tingin ko naman ay titila naman din ang ulan. Ngunit medyo mapilit siya at ako ay tuluyan nang di nakatanggi.

Sa tingin ko ay pansin nya ang malamig kong pakikitungo sa kanya nung araw nay un. Tanghali pa lang ay magkasama na kami at simula’t sa pol ng magkasama kami nung araw na yun, ako’y medyo ilag na talaga sa kanya.

“Is there something wrong?” Tanong niya sakin habang kami ay nanananghalian.
“Nothing… I’m just not in the mood… don’t mind me… mawawala din to…”

Pero sa totoo lang, nung mga oras ding yun, unti unti ko nang binubuo ang aking magiging “piece” sa kanya. Paano ko kaya sasabihin ng hindi siya masyadong masasaktan o hindi niya maiisip na ang taas naman ng tingin ko sa sarili ko?

Sumakay kami sa kanyang sasakyan. Sabi niya dun na lang daw kami mag-intay para mas malamig at makaupo kami ng maayos. Ito na. Ito na ang tamang timing na hinihintay ko. Ngayon ko na sasabihin sa kanya. Tinangka niyang hawakan ang aking kamay ngunit nagkunwari ako na di ko ito napapansin. Siya ay biglang nagakmang ako ay aakbayan ngunit di ko na napigil ang aking sarili at ako ay medjo napaangil.

“Ei, wag ka muna makulit please… medyo irritable ako ngayon e… snappy ba… sorry”

Ok lang ang kanyang maikling sagot at siya ay biglang natihimik. Tiningnan ko siya. Base sa kanyang reaksyon, alam kong siya ay naiinis na din sa aking pakikitungo sa kanya nuong araw na iyon.

“Ano ba talaga ang problema? Ilabas mo na… para hindi ka na mabad mood…”

At doon na ako nagsimula…

Sinubukan kong ipaliwanag sa kanya ang aking nararamdaman ngunit di ko ito madiretso.

“Ummm…. Sige… First, I don’t want to mislead you or anything… let’s just enjoy what we have… like, you can go date other people and same goes for me… but if you still want to ask me out, it’s fine… we can go out… I want us to be friends first… mas maganda kasi kapag ganun, I mean, yung foundation ng relationship natin… if ever man na magflourish… kung hindi naman magdevelop into something romantic… atleast we’re friends… ayoko lang magrush… right now, I’m trying… but sana talaga maging friends lang muna tayo… like walang holding hands or kissing… plain friends ba… then we’ll see from there if ever…”, ang mahaba at dire-diretso kong tugon…

“Ok… “ ang kanyang sagot….

Sparks Missing…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I am worried. Yes, I can also say that I was a little bit scared that time. He was driving continuously and just ignores me whenever I ask him about our destination. Until finally, when we stopped because of the stoplight, he looked at me and told me to just trust him…

Honestly, now that it has been days since this incident happened, I don’t really think that he was going to do something bad towards me that night… let’s just say that I was thinking too much that time… I was paranoid…

The road that we are taking started to get steeper and steeper… I felt that we are climbing a mountain… I looked outside of the window and finally, I was able to see some signs from the stores that we are passing by… we are actually heading to Antipolo. Gosh! I never imagined that night that I am going to Antipolo… I just shut my mouth and just continued to wait until we finally reached our destination.

“Dito na tayo…” he said. As he pulled over to an empty space in a car park near the edge of I think is a cliff.

My jaw dropped when I saw the view. I can see the whole city from where I am seating. It was amazing! (Yes, it was my first time to see that kind of sight from Antipolo… I guess you can call me, ignorant…lol).

He started searching something from his pocket and asked me if I have the lighter that we bought from the convenience store. I searched my pockets as well but I wasn’t able to find any. His expression changed and I can see that he was disappointed. He reached for something at the back of his car. It was a cake! I was surprised… I was overwhelmed with all that he prepared for this day. He apologized for missing the lighter, he was supposed to light a candle and will ask me to make a wish. I said it’s all good. It was more than enough. He made this day, special enough… worth remembering.

We stepped out of his car and decided to go to an empty space where we can see the view clearly. It was dark and cold… the cool air from the mountains makes me chill… as I look into the other side, I saw tiny lights from the city… they are so small that they can pass as stars from where I am standing… I took a deep breathe as I am overwhelmed with the view, it was just so… romantic? perfect? … or it was a moment of appreciation… appreciate that I am still alive and was given a chance to see this view… call me drama queen and all… but that’s what I really feel…

He held my hand… and I let him. We appreciated the view together until we decided to head back to the car. Once we were able to sit comfortably again, he started telling me sweet nothings and he’s hoping that we will still be together to celebrate my birthday next year.

Then it struck me. The word – “together”. Yes, that moment, I searched my heart for what I am feeling towards him. I like him alright, he’s nice and very much a boyfriend material… but I didn’t feel any spark. Yes, that elusive spark!

He came closer and with his movement, he was implying that he wanted to kiss me. Right! A kiss! A kiss might bring the spark so I allowed him. As his face comes closer to mine, I closed my eyes and opened my heart… hoping that this will ignite the spark that I need.

His lips were soft and he kissed very sweet. After that, I tried to search my feelings once again… and still there’s nothing… And with that said… I had a dilemma… This is our 2nd date and the 1st date is no different with the 2nd. I didn’t feel any romantic connection…

I looked at him after we kissed and he smiled… a hopeful smile… a smile that I know, will soon be erased once I tell him what I actually feel…

Travel!

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts, travel with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2010 by iamhivpositive

If there is one thing that I would really love to do but can’t, besides going back to school, it will have to be traveling. Believe it or not, I haven’t been anywhere outside Metro Manila ever since I was in High School? Except of course when we have team buildings in Pansol, Laguna or in Puerto Galera, but whenever we have that, it’s still more of work and less of relaxation. I would want to just travel and just relax… or just have some personal time to think and reflect…

A friend from Canada who just arrived here in the Philippines went to the office and told me that she is planning to go to Boracay. She saw an ad in the internet and is recruiting some more people to join her so that they can avail of the very affordable promo rate. I got excited, I’ve never been to Boracay myself and would want to go there for a holiday! I told her I’m in and she asked me to recruit 2 more since we need to be 4 in the group to avail the package. I did not waste my time and immediately asked some friends and even on Facebook. In just a matter of 2 hours, we’re complete!

Next day, there was a message in my facebook inbox from my friend that she found a better offer, same rate but instead of going to the crowded and busy Boracay, it’s going to be the jaw dropping and relaxing Coron, Palawan. (sorry bout the adjectives, lol) The reason why I said yes to her when she offered this trip to me was because of the destination. I really wanted to go to Boracay… after all, I heard a lot of stories meeting their soul mates in that lovely place. After a little bit of convincing and showing me of the breath taking pictures in Coron, I agreed. It’s a deal and we are leaving by the end of the year…

I’m happy that somehow I already made a start with my plan of traveling. Coron, is a good 1st destination and I just have to make sure that I’ll bring a camera, sun block and enjoy! Hopefully next year I could do this again… no, I will definitely do this again! Who knows I might even go outside of the country since I have been out of the country yet… =)

I think it would really be nice to see other places… beautiful places, meet people, experience other culture and also rediscover myself… so that before I finally close my eyes, I will be filled with beautiful picturesque images of the places I’ve gone to and memories… I won’t let what’s in me to stop me from traveling and experiencing everything that is out there… I’m ready to pack my bags and start moving….

23

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2010 by iamhivpositive

The countdown started… 27 days to go before my birthday. Yep, I’m turning 23 in a few weeks time and I’m HIV positive.

This year has been very eventful… I dated a lot of guys, had lots of sex, met a lot of wonderful guys, fell in love, was in a relationship thinking, finding out I have genital warts, being admitted in the hospital alone, went under the knife 2x to have the warts removed, found out I have HIV, learned yoga, learned to love myself more now and so on and so on…

A lot of people will be disappointed if ever they knew that in the age of 22, I’m already a pozzie. Some people might even stay away from me and judge me because of it. But right now, I don’t care. Not that I’m proud of it, but I know myself… and I fully accept the new me. And I know the real story… I’m turning 1 year older and I’m stronger, more optimistic and has a lot of love to give… and with that, I believe that is more that just being a young adult living with HIV… it makes me… me…

My trainees asks me, what do I want to happen in my next year… I answered with strong and healthy body, happiness, peace and serenity… corny no? Maybe if they asked me last year I would say, I want to have a laptop, the latest gadget, a car, a fat savings account, lots of boys, a hot boyfriend… not that I don’t want it anymore, let’s just say my priorities changed… I changed…

This year has taught me a lot of lessons in life… and I learned it in a very hard way… I stumbled this year, stumbled really bad, but as cliche as it may sound, it doesn’t matter how hard you hit the ground, it’s how you stand up and try to walk again that would define you as a man…

Again, a few weeks from now, im turning 23… and I have HIV…

Frogs

Posted in etc, lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , on October 3, 2010 by iamhivpositive

A friend told me once, “he is just one of those frogs that you have to kiss before you find your prince…” when he told me that before, I laughed. I never really considered my love life as a fairytale story. Not that I’m not into fairy tales, in fact I love Little Mermaid! hehehe.

Anyways, the reason why I’m making this entry is because of “crush”…

Yep, you got it right… it’s not a happy ending….

One lazy day, I saw him online and decided to chat with him. He was game with chatting with me even though he didn’t have much sleep. We talked about random things until I can’t help but flirt with him. His replies were not dismissing so I continued pestering him. Our conversation went so well that I ended up confessing that I have a crush on him. He was surprised. I wondered why he was surprised… I think I was really obvious that I was crushing on him…. hahahah… he then told me that actually he finds me cute and that he likes me. Yey! And that made my day.

After that, we started exchanging text messages for almost everyday. Before we sleep and when we wake up, even though we don’t really have anything to talk about. I guess we were both excited with what we are starting to have.

Friday that week, my officemates decided to have dinner near his workplace. Knowing that he is at work during that time, I informed him that I was in the area and we decided to meet up during his break. I was excited. This is the first time that I am going to be able to actually talk to him in person. hehehe.

It was almost half past twelve when he arrived in the coffee shop. The first few minutes was awkward but I decided to just keep on talking to break the ice. Eventually, he started to loosen up a bit though there were still silent moments. After an hour of talking we decided to leave the shop. As you can see, nothing really special happened, there was no “spark”. I think.

I honestly feel that he didn’t like me, but when I asked him, he said we’re good. So I thought, it was ok. We continued to text and chat but this time, something changed already. He was not as perky as before, he would always say he was sleepy and tired. From there, I had the idea that he is really not into me anymore and that maybe he is just trying to be polite… and with that thought, I minimised my pestering until I finally asked him and he confirmed my conclusions…

Overall, I’m a bit sad about how it ended… but it was ok. Again, it was just a crush… In the other hand, I am also happy since we can still be friends… we already shared quite a lot of information to each other which I think can be a good foundation of our future friendship… hehehe… Right now, I think it will be quite awkward once I see him again in class but I know we will get over it… hehe

So just to sum it all up, he is one of those frogs that I had to kiss for me to find my real prince… where could he be? hehehe.

Posted in etc, Personal, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Dear September,

I don’t know what’s with you this year that almost every night I feel alone and empty… Since you came, I started looking for a hug when I get home from someone I love….an arms to embrace me every night while I’m sleeping… and a face that I will see dreaming whenever I open my eyes in the morning… you make me feel sooo single… and in a sad way…

I’m not in a rush to look for someone new… It’s not very long ago when someone did this with me… to me… and although it would be nice to feel that same wonderful feeling, this time I’m taking it real slow… not just because I’m being careful not to get hurt but also because I’m in a different situation now… yes, I have an extra baggage that I don’t know if anyone will be able to accept it… accept me wholeheartedly…

The rain adds to my loneliness… it makes the mood more blue… makes me wish that someone is with me under the blankets cuddling whilst sipping coffee or watching tv… why do you make feel this way September?

Every night as I close my eyes in the middle of emptiness… I’m hoping that someone would wake me up… Can you just wake me up when September ends?

Bored

Posted in etc, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , on September 15, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I clicked add new entry without anything in mind to write. Honestly, I feel like my HIV life is starting to get a little bit boring. Actually, looking back, the last 4-5 years of my life is actually boring… until I found out I am HIV positive.

Let me update you on what is happening in my boring pozzie life…

Weekdays:
1. I wake up early and watch TV
2. I go to work and sometimes get stressed
3. I go home and watch TV again until I fall asleep

Weekends:
1. I wake up early and watch TV
2. Watch some more TV
3. Eat Lunch
4. Yoga for Life – only on Saturdays
5. Go home
6. Eat Dinner
7. Watch TV
8. Sleep

No wonder why I’m starting to get bored… Only Saturday excites me because of Yoga for Life… attending Yoga for Life means, more relaxation and stronger immune system and lately, means seeing my crush. Yes, you read it right… hehehe.

So as you can see, your not missing too much about me as there is nothing I’ve been up to lately… oh I remember, I already visited my dentist a few weekends back and still, I didn’t have my tooth extracted… I was… scared… lol. But besides that, your up to date!

Till next time!

xoxo,
Junjun