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The Ugly Truth

Posted in lovelife, Personal, pozzie life with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 3, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Weekend.  I asked babe if he could go online so that I could help him complete the list of candidates that he is going to vote tomorrow, the election.  Also, I was planning to continue my evil plan, it has been a week and I think that he hasn’t read my email as “dummy”.  He replied positively and said that he will go online once he got home which he did.

After talking about the election, I told him that I’m going to log out already because dinner is ready which he said ok.  I logged back in, this time using the dummy account.  I added him in ym and he immediately accepted it.  I buzzed him and he replied back so quickly.  We talked, me as dummy of course, and introduced ourselves and talked about our lives.  Then I questioned him again about his real intention in keeping his account in Romeo if he really is happy in his relationship.  I thought that he was getting pissed already as there were times where in he didn’t reply.  So, I turned the table and ask him if there is anything that he would want to ask me.  His questions are basically regarding my identity, since I think he is already starting to doubt me.  I thought I was gonna get caught already when he asked me how I was able to find his profile in Romeo but I was able to convince him with my answer. whew!

After a few more talking, I asked him if he would want to meet up with me since I am going to Manila the next day ( I told him I was from Pampanga), which he declined since according to him he is busy.  I was able to breathe that time, since we have plans the next day.  But “dummy” was very persistent.  I teased him.  I told him that if ever that we are going to meet, we could “chill” in my place. I’m sure you know what I mean.  I then asked him if he is a top or a bottom.  He said bottom.  And I replied with “good! cause I’m top” and he replied back with a smiley.  Then I asked him of what he wants do to me if ever that we will be alone in my place.  He replied with a very wholesome answer and that is to talk.  I played with fire some more as I replied back with, “just talk?”.  He replied again with a yes.  Somehow, I was relieved as I’m happy with his answers.  But I pushed it a little bit more, I asked him again on what he would want to do to me as I want to get jiggy with him.  He then replied with a very shocking answer.  “I want to suck your nipple and your dick” were his exact words.  My heart fell into the floor.  He followed it up with “I want you to fuck me hard”.  And I died.  I can’t remember the rest of the conversation as I was lost already.  Like what I said, I died.

After a few minutes of shock, I recovered.  I asked him to meet up with me already so we can make our fantasies into reality.  Still his having second thoughts but he told me that his gonna find a way.  Dummy suggested for him to just postpone our date since we still have some other time while Dummy is only going to Manila once and teased him again with the things that they are going to do.  And that made him think.

1am.

I was already sleeping when babe called.  He called to cancel our date because he needs to do something in school before his duty around 4pm which is the time that we are supposed to meet up.  He knows that if it is about school, I would say yes.  But before I said yes, I asked him if it is really worth it to exchange our date with what he is going to do… there was silence and he said yes… my heart was crushed into pieces.  Thats it.  It’s over.

2am.

Babe called again, and this time telling me that we should just push through and that he should put me first before anything else.  But he already cancelled me.  And I know what is the real reason.  So I asked why all of the sudden he can throw whatever it is that he needs to do in school when awhile ago, he said it was soo important that’s why he was cancelling me.  We ended up arguing.  Until we ended up deciding that we should just meet and talk.

3am.

My heart is on the floor.  Crushed into pieces.  Bleeding.  I died.

P.S.

I am so emotional in writing this post.  It is hard to go through this memory all over again.  =(

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Text, Lunch and Lies

Posted in lovelife, Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2010 by iamhivpositive

Let him go…” this is the most common advice that I always get whenever I ask for an advice on what to do regarding my heart problem.  From my boss, to my colleagues to my friends… they want me to let go.  But I don’t want to…I love him.  I’d rather let him break up with me that me breaking up with him… it’s just too hard.  I can’t.

I’m still hoping…. hoping that we could still work this out.  That this is just a test in our relationship and that we will get through this… together, as a couple.  Besides being a medicine student, he is intelligent and caring and with that for sure he is going bounce back from what he is feeling right now.

Until that night, that night when doubt and curiosity ate my mind and I did something really wrong.  Knowing that babe regularly checks his emails.  I a “dummy” account in PlanetRomeo and messaged him.  Introduced who I was and told him that I find him interesting.  Of course, I just made up all the information and details that I told him.  It is my first time to do this and for no reason, I think I’m very good at it.  I slept that night very nervous as I know I did something really wrong and I was really praying that he will not reply.

A week had passed and I receive no reply from him until the second week.  He messaged back saying that he is sorry for not replying immediately since he seldom logs in in that site.  He also said that he is happily in a relationship and that he wanted that clear. I was relieved but was shock when I read the next part of his message.  He gave his ym address and his facebook account so that they could chat there and so that they could keep in touch.  I was saddened by this.  I didn’t get the point of giving your ym and personal email to someone whom you just knew… and in a gay site!  Anyhow, I continued acting and sent him an email in his personal e-mail account.

In my email, I asked him questions that I want to ask him as me, his boyfriend.   I asked him what is he doing in a gay site if he is happy in a relationship.  Though I also pretended that I was curious about his boyfriend and his interests.  Again, I slept that night with a very heavy heart.  I wanted to cry.

The next day, babe’s text became very very minimal.  He only texted me good morning.  I know this is very petty but with what I was feeling last night, I ended up texting him and confronting him.  That night, we talked over the phone and fight some more although it is in a diplomatic way… until the conversation concluded with having a cool off and we’ll just talk over the weekend since we are meeting anyways.  As I dropped the phone, I started to feel the pain… an excruciating pain… I wasn’t able to sleep that night and went to work like a zombie.

Saturday.  We decided to meet for lunch and for the first time, babe was in the restaurant first.  He was smiling.  I was thinking why is he smiling when this is already the end for us.  We ordered and while waiting for food he started to talk.  He handed me his phone and let me read a message.  It was a message meant for me.  In his message he told me that he loves me soo much and that he doesn’t want to break up with me.  I smiled.  I was happy.  After eating, he confessed that he logged on in PlanetRomeo.  I asked why.  He said that someone “interesting” sent him a message and that he got curious so he logged in to read it.  I felt like I was slapped.  Did he just say someone “interesting” in front of my face?  Continuing my acting, I pretended to be upset and curious so I asked what was his message.  He told me honestly.  Then I asked him if he replied, but before answering I told him that if ever he replied, I will really be upset but that will be ok as long as he tell me the truth.  And to my dismay, he lied.  He said, he didn’t replied.  I felt the pain again.  Like someone is stabbing my heart.  He was lying! I wanted to tell him the truth and slap it into his face.  But I composed myself and acted that it was all good so we ended the day happy… little did he know, I was bleeding inside.

I went home that day knowing already that anytime soon, we will break up.  And I have to prepare myself for that… and when that time comes, I don’t want to stop him… like what they said, I have to let him go…