Archive for truth

Wish

Posted in Personal, pozzie life, thoughts with tags , , , , on June 14, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I wish…

…that I am rich…

…that I was able to finish school…

…that my dad is still alive…

…that I have a body no one can resist…

…that I am more good looking…

…that I have a high position in a stable company…

…to have a car…

…to have a nice house…

…to travel around the world…

…to have the latest gadgets…

…to have the hottest lovers… (lol)

…to be different…

…to go back to my childhood days…

…to go back to school…

…I was more aware…

…I was careful…

…I didn’t have unprotected sex…

…I am still healthy now…

…to have a longer life…

…I’m not sick…

…I don’t have HIV…

Lunch Date

Posted in lovelife, Medical, Personal, thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I found myself inside one of the karaoke cubicles in timezone.  I was sad and I needed to vent out.  I immediately took the song book look for a high song and entered it in the karaoke machine and sang my heart out.  I picked Michael Bolton’s “I can go the Distance… ”  I just felt the need to sing this song as well to make myself  stronger… for me to believe that I can still go far even though I have “it”… I know, you might be thinking that I’m emotional or a drama queen…but at that moment, I was thinking that I already reached the dead end and I can never make a U turn anymore… that everything I’ve worked for all went to waste just because of a night of being irresponsible… that all my plans are no longer possible….

I calmed myself and decided to distract myself  after realising that I am in a public area… there were already some people who were looking at me and wondering why I was crying… so I left Timezone and I went to an internet shop in the mall and decided to kill time there until my boyfriend arrives.  When I logged in to Facebook, one of my friends, who is now in Singapore was online.  He messaged me through chat and I suddenly blurted out what I just found out.  This friend of mine is a nurse by profession so I also felt safe telling him my new secret.  After a few seconds, my phone started ringing and his concerned voice filled my ears.  I was just quiet and I started sobbing then cried…  He was crying as well… I told him everything that happened and he gave me advices and educated me about the disease…  he also assured me that nothing will change in the way that he sees me… and I was relieved…

My boyfriend arrived after a few minutes…  as we were walking towards the restaurant where we are eating, he asked me about the result.  I took a deep breath.  I already prepared myself, and I want to be honest.  If ever he walks away and decides to leave me, I will accept it wholeheartedly… can I really?  Anyways, I told him the result.  He smiled and he asked me to stop bluffing.  I repeated what I said, this time more seriously… and he said, really?  I guess he was shocked.  No, he was shocked, maybe he didn’t expect it.  He smiled and once again, he told me that he will take care of me.  And this is the only time for this day, that I felt happy.  We became quiet as we continue to walk towards the restaurant…

Whilst waiting for our food to be served, I asked him again if it is really ok with him, and he told me that honestly, he is still in the denial stage and still thinks that I’m bluffing but if ever that it is really true, there’s nothing he can do but to be with me every step of the way.  I felt soo lucky.  That this guy loves me despite all of this that is happening to me.  I don’t know if it is my mood or the food but I really felt soo hungry that I was able to finish my chicken teriyaki so fast.  We then decided to leave as my boyfriend still has a class and I need to rest after a very long day…

I’ll take care of you

Posted in lovelife with tags , , , , on May 17, 2010 by iamhivpositive

I already decided.  I will tell him.  If I want to have a relationship with this person, I have to be honest to him.  Now, if he doesn’t want to accept me because of what I have then maybe he is not the right one for me.

I asked him to meet me up for a snack through text and he said yes.  I  know it’s quite early to tell him the truth but we went out quite a couple of times already and I really feel that he can be trusted.   My whole body was shaking as I go to our meeting place.  I was still having second thoughts, should I really tell him?  What if this will ruin everything?  He’ll hate me!  But the feeling of wanting him as my partner pushed me to be honest and made me more courageous to tell him the truth, that I have HPV.

After waiting for 5 minutes, he arrived with his very sweet smile.  I can still remember how that smile washed away all my worries but made me scared at the same time…. that it might be the last time for me to see that smile.  We started ordering and we chatted for a bit.  After eating, I took a few deep breaths and I told him everything.  He was listening very intently and I can see that he was surprised.  He became red but after a while, he smiled.  He said that he appreciates my honesty and my courage to tell him the truth.  He also said that he was very thankful that I told him early than he finds it out himself.  He held my hand and assured me that his liking towards me didn’t change… in fact he said, “I’ll take care of you..”