Disappointed

This past few days, I really feel like lady luck is running away from me… yes, I always almost catch her, but then again she always escapes… how come?

Last Thursday was supposedly a very happy day for my wallet. Yes, it was our pay day and not just an ordinary pay day but it is a bonus pay day. Everyone from our team was really happy and excited that we started making plans on how to spend our “hard-work-earned” incentive after shift. We were planning to go out and have some coffee and maybe eat in a fancy restaurant. The mood in the office was really festive!

Usually, our pay becomes credited into our bank accounts around 4pm… 8pm is the latest. Curious on how much my pay is, I tried to check it online… after searching the banks site using google, I was on my way in finding it out with just a few clicks! After typing in all the necessary information, I finally clicked the “submit” button, closed my eyes, and prepared myself to be surprised…and I was surprised. The much anticipated bonus was missing! It’s not there. I doubled check it and still it gives me the same amount. My jaw dropped. It’s the time of the month were we need to pay our bills! Oh my God! (I know I might sound OA to some of you, but I’m just an average earner and a bonus would really get me far… lol)

I asked my officemates to check theirs as well and slowly, the happy mood in the office disappeared. We tried asking our boss what went wrong, but to our dismay, his explanation didn’t really satisfy our disappointed hearts… Since we cannot do anything about it anymore, slowly one by one took their phones and cancelled their scheduled night outs, I even went home immediately instead of having coffee with some of my friends. I also cancelled my appointment wit the dentist as I was major major unhappy.

I am unhappy not just because I didn’t get the bonus… I felt that we were given a false hope… I was unhappy because I had to cancel all my plans… If our expectation were just properly managed then we could’ve prepared… For sure, last Thurs & Fri, my CD4 dropped because of stress which actually continued the whole weekend…

I promised myself that starting Monday of this week, I will be happy and attract only positive vibes… but….

The Promotion – Results

“Neither of you got it… we feel that both of you are not ready yet based on your interviews and your presentation… both ____ and ____ will talk to you one by one and will tell you what you need to work on for the next three months before we open the position again and evaluate you….”

It went so fast. The next thing I know was I am in a room with 4 other people. In front of me was our Manager, then 2 of my bosses who helped him conduct the interview. On my left side was one of my colleague who was also aspiring to get the position. He was also shocked.

In a blink of an eye, I am again in a different room with one of my bosses. She is currently my mentor and she is telling me why I didn’t end up getting promoted. She is telling me a lot of things but only 3 words can sum it all up…. I’M NOT READY!!!!

I’m disappointed with myself. I am really sad. But after hearing these words, I felt upset. They think I’m not ready? I’ve been in this department for almost 4 years now… there were times in the past that even, they, themselves, told me that all I need is the title because I am soooo ready already… I’ve assumed the position a lot of times before, whenever we lack manpower and they would need someone to step up…. and then now, I’m not ready? Bitter eh? This are the reasoning I have showered in my head whilst she was talking to me. Until I can’t help it and voice it out.

Mentor: I was also like you before remember? I’ve been in this department for ages and was rejected a lot of times…

Junjun: (just nodded) I just can’t accept that I’m not ready, c’mon… you guys now me… you now how I work…

Mentor: yep, we know… but in a interview, you should always think that the interviewers doesn’t know you… you have to tell them your accomplishments or answer their questions in complete details even though they know it…

JunJun: Well… yeah…

I was really hurt… I became quiet. I reflected on what I did. I was nervous. I was nervous all throughout this whole process… with the interview… the presentation… I was nervous. If I failed, I am also the reason. Yesterday, I actually thought that I’m gonna get it, then how come I’m upset about my application being deferred for 3 months? I’m being childish. It’s not bad after all… I just have to prepare again for the next interview and presentation…

I’m sad yes… but I’m also challenged this time…

Promotion

I messed up. I screwed it up. I failed. Epic fail. I think this is going to be another of my down falls this year… I just let an opportunity for me to be promoted pass… =(

Almost 2 months ago, 2 of my lovely office mates decided to resign and look for a better opportunity with other companies. Although it’s sad that they are leaving, it has opened 2 a new door for growth for us, their assistants. After 2 weeks, the position was opened and so 3 assistants applied, including me.

I can say that I am a strong contender as I am the most tenured in the position, thus making me the more experienced one. I am actually assuming the position already as I am, most of the time, doing what our bosses were doing. So without hesitation, I updated my resume and submitted it.

After 2 weeks of waiting, we were given our schedules for the interview. Monday at 2pm is my interview and Tuesday at 230pm will be for my 15 minute presentation. After accepting the meeting request in my outlook, my heart started pounding. I suddenly became nervous. I am really bad with interviews, the last 2 interviews I had, I totally screwed it up and of course, I was not successful. I immediately booked meeting requests for mock interview with some of my bosses. I will definitely need some help with this.

Now it’s time for me to think of what will I teach them for my demo. It has to be something new according to the invitation that they sent us. And since I am into yoga lately, I decided to teach them office yoga. I know I am just a beginner and needs to be trained before doing it, but c’mon, this is just a 15 minute presentation so I told myself, why not! And there I was, studying and making a power point presentation about office yoga.

The day of our interview arrived and I was at first, not nervous. But I noticed that time seems to run so fast and with it, the beat of my heart started to join its rhythm.In a few blinks, it was already 2pm and off I was to the venue of my interview. The interview started and honestly, some of the questions, I find it easy to answer but the others, I was really lost. Epic fail!

The next day came and it was time for my presentation. I was more nervous this day than yesterday. But there I was… trying to be conceal the nervousness that I was feeling. I felt like luck was really trying to play with me because before I start my presentation, I experienced some technical problems like there was no internet connection in the PC, my presentation not playing and the video attached to my presentation is not showing!!!! As I flick my presentation from 1 slide to the next one, the more that my heart is beating so loud, my knees started to shake and my sweat starting to fall. There was even a time where in I don’t know what I’m saying anymore because I just hear my heart beat. For the first time after a long time, I got scared with presenting in front of people…

I went out of the room not satisfied with what I did… and I know they was able to feel it… this is more than just a promotion to me…this is a fight that I want to end up winning because it’s one way of me telling HIV that “hey! even though you’re inside me, I am still good!, I can still get promoted!” shallow right? But it means a lot to me….
the results will be given tomorrow… wish me luck?